I Do This Alone.

This feeling is like none before. I dream of my reality and live my nightmares. This in-completion is killing me. The separation of my soul and mind is departing from the essence of my livelihood. I miss her, I need her, I regret her. It's all the fucking same. I thought this new life would offer new beginnings but all it brings is sadness and horror. I miss the days when I didn't have to wake up and put my game face on. I want to be me again; complete and willing to face the day. I want to breathe new life into these old lungs. My heart has suffered enough. Please, explode and sink into the nothingness of my chest. I feel it beat for her, but I don't want it too. Not just for her, but for me too. I don't want to hear life. It hurts to breathe, everyday it kills me. This depression of my life is so constant, so vital, in my life that if it ever went away I'd be lost. Because this is all i have known. I wouldn't know what do to with myself. I need help, a hand to guide me out of the darkness. Because I can only endure as much as I can stand. Take away the darkness and give me my soul. One full of life, and one deserving of fulfillment. I long for that moment.

Better Off This Way

I don't understand how I could be so alone. That even all that I could give a girl, she still refuses. I have finally reached the point in my healing when I know I'm good enough, and yet they still reject. I have never felt so alone. I'd rather hate myself because then I would have a reason to cry. But this life offers no redemption, no solitude, and no forgiveness. It's so fucking depressing. How can I live any longer knowing that no matter how good i can provide no one gives a shit. I can't. I can't do it anymore. My heart is falling apart. The pieces will be found in my stomach when I die. And the world will know of my sacrifice. So here's to death and suffering. The only things that stay with you in life. For they are true friends. When love and hope have abandoned you, death and suffering always come to guide you. Guide you to a place of isolation and despair; because aren't those places the only way to experience true social suicide?

Depression

"If someone told me that I could live my life again free of depression provided I was willing to give up the gifts depression has given me--the depth of awareness, the expanded consciousness, the increased sensitivity, the awareness of limitation, the tenderness of love, the meaning of friendship, the appreciation of life, the joy of a passionate heart--I would say, 'This is a Faustian bargain! Give me my depressions. Let the darkness descend. But do not take away the gifts that depression, with the help of some unseen hand, has dredged up from the deep ocean of my soul and strewn along the shores of my life. I can endure darkness if I must; but I cannot live without these gifts. I cannot live without my soul.'" ~ David N. Elkins, Beyond Religion

My Silent Agony

I can't explain how I feel. It's weird. I keep typing what I am feel then erase and re-type everything. It's a sort of loneliness I've never felt before. It leaves me trapped. I want to type, so bad, but I just can't think of what to say. What the fuck. Everyone is ignoring me. I yearn for someone to talk to me. I need communication. Please.

My Last Breath.

Suicide, I feel at least, isn't weak. It is, perhaps, selfish, but weak people can't commit suicide. In all honesty, the ones who succeed in killing themselves are some of the bravest people out there. Who knows what lies beyond this world? Is it a black abyss? Will it be a cloud with yellow lights and songs or a pit with fire? It takes a lot of guts to actually be willing to throw everything away to go to a place that you have no idea if it exists or not.