I know it has been a very long time since I last posted. Just around 4 years; but I need to write now.
For some reason I have always had this dream(nightmare?) about you. But before I tell you that, however, let me give you some backstory. We were in 8th or 9th grade together, I cannot remember which it was. I sat in front of you, in Mr. Coronado's history class. I loved you. Everything around me was you. My thoughts, my actions, my feelings, and my decisions all were about you. I've never figured out why, but I just couldn't stop. Everyone thought you were the weirdest girl with your hair. Half white(?) and half black. I thought it was bold. I also thought you were the most beautiful girl in school. I waited my time. We became friends. And then, towards the end of the year, I was going to make my move. But he got in my way. What was his name? Leo? Lee? Who cares. He was a druggy who had no inhibitions. But then again, who does at that grade level? Anyways, I cried that entire Saturday night I found out. The next day I was ready to die. I called you as my last hope, but you didn't answer. So I rigged my belt up on my bed and hung myself. I woke up shaking and out of breathe as I must have slipped from it. I was terrified. From that night on my life started to change for the worse; and that night triggered 5 years of misery.
That being said, I do not blame you for those 5 years. Not even a second of it. But I just felt like I had to tell you how I felt, 10 years too late I suppose.
So, back to my dream/nightmare. This is how it goes.
I am sitting in front of you in class. You text me about him and yourself. I can't remember what you said but I can remember the feeling. Of him, touching your body everywhere. That should have been me(Jealously? Yeah). I decide at that moment. I will do something crazy. But it is not crazy to me. It's the most logical thing to do. I reach in my backpack, and pull out a handgun. I walk to the front of the class and make sure everyone knows I am there. Yes, people are afraid, but I intend not to hurt any of them. I just want you to be the last person I talk too. I want this image to live with you forever. The image of me, telling you how beautiful you are, and how foolish I was for believing I was good enough for you. I pull the trigger.
Whenever I have trouble sleeping, I think of that, every time, even now. That death is so soothing.
If you haven't guessed who you are, then I guess I don't mean anything to you. That's okay. You still mean everything to me. I wish we talked still. I wish we were friends again. I wish you gave me a chance 10 years ago. But that time is long and gone. I'm in a happier place now. And I hope you are too. I think we both deserve that. So Hello Again Ronni, keep killing it out there, I'm your number one fan.
