Fuck.

I am alone. No one is here for me. No one cares for me. I am alone. I'm back to cutting myself. I wrote fuck up on my legs. I'm like a artist now right? I have to remind myself of that everyday. I'm a letdown and a fuck up. I'm ugly and stupid. Even she thinks so. I can tell. She would never give me a chance. So fuck it. Fuck everything.

For Love's Sake

I just wanted to pour my heart out right now and tell you exactly how I feel. Ive decided that there is something better out there. Something better that can make me happy. Something so beautiful. That something is you. For four years I haven't missed a day that you weren't on my mind. I can't stop it. And I don't think it ever will. I would ask you to give me a chance. I know I'm not your type. I don't smoke and drink and I'm not 30. But if you feel like we wouldn't work as much as I say we would then prove me wrong. You'll be surprised at what you find. I want to be there for you and take care of you. Wake up next to you and give you security. This world can be a dark place but it would be a whole lot less dark if you were next to me taking this journey. So come on, let's give this a shot. For loves sake.

Broken

I don't have any friends. I am breaking down. I just need to talk to someone. Please. I'm broken.

I Let You Down

I saw you yesterday for the time in years. You were everything I remembered , good and bad. You glowed in the day as if everything else was dark. You spoke with the passion of 20 lifetimes. Everything  was right in the world. I was next to you, and you were next to me.

I know you are probably at some point going to see this. I am trying to be as honest as I can be. I still love you. I still care about you. And I still dream about you.

You deserve to have someone better than what you've had. Someone that can give you the world. I want to be that person, but i just don't think you will see that. I am sorry I let you down. I will do my best to be better and support you any way I can. To guide you through the mud. To show you the stars that are behind the dirt and clouds. To hold you when you are scared. I may have let you down before, but I want to make it up to you now. We have so much more to do in this life. Let's fight until there is nothing left of us.

I've had a while to think about this. I don't think you care about me. I don't think you'll wonder how I am doing like I wonder for you. That's okay though because I don't want to force anything. All I ever wanted was for you text me first and ask me how I am doing. That's all I wanted. You didn't, and wouldn't ever. So thank you for everything. I just can't keep crying over you. Because no matter what I'll always want to hold you forever, and that's impossible. I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I would have changed your life, I would have been the one that made you feel like the prettiest girl in any room. I wish you the best of luck. I did everything I could to help you see the light. I'm all out of tears for you.

Eventually, I bet that we
Could have made this work
And probably woulda figured things out
But I guess that I'm a letdown
But it's cool, I checked out
Oh, you wanna be friends now?
Okay, let's put my fake face on and pretend now
Sit around and talk about the good times
That didn't even happen
I mean, why are you laughing?
Must have missed that joke
Let me see if I can find a reaction
No, but at least you're happy

Hello Again

I know it has been a very long time since I last posted. Just around 4 years; but I need to write now.

For some reason I have always had this dream(nightmare?) about you. But before I tell you that, however, let me give you some backstory. We were in 8th or 9th grade together, I cannot remember which it was. I sat in front of you, in Mr. Coronado's history class. I loved you. Everything around me was you. My thoughts, my actions, my feelings, and my decisions all were about you. I've never figured out why, but I just couldn't stop. Everyone thought you were the weirdest girl with your hair. Half white(?) and half black. I thought it was bold. I also thought you were the most beautiful girl in school. I waited my time. We became friends. And then, towards the end of the year, I was going to make my move. But he got in my way. What was his name? Leo? Lee? Who cares. He was a druggy who had no inhibitions. But then again, who does at that grade level? Anyways, I cried that entire Saturday night I found out. The next day I was ready to die. I called you as my last hope, but you didn't answer. So I rigged my belt up on my bed and hung myself. I woke up shaking and out of breathe as I must have slipped from it. I was terrified. From that night on my life started to change for the worse; and that night triggered 5 years of misery.

That being said, I do not blame you for those 5 years. Not even a second of it. But I just felt like I had to tell you how I felt, 10 years too late I suppose.

So, back to my dream/nightmare. This is how it goes.

I am sitting in front of you in class. You text me about him and yourself. I can't remember what you said but I can remember the feeling. Of him, touching your body everywhere. That should have been me(Jealously? Yeah). I decide at that moment. I will do something crazy. But it is not crazy to me. It's the most logical thing to do. I reach in my backpack, and pull out a handgun. I walk to the front of the class and make sure everyone knows I am there. Yes, people are afraid, but I intend not to hurt any of them. I just want you to be the last person I talk too. I want this image to live with you forever. The image of me, telling you how beautiful you are, and how foolish I was for believing I was good enough for you. I pull the trigger.

Whenever I have trouble sleeping, I think of that, every time, even now. That death is so soothing.

If you haven't guessed who you are, then I guess I don't mean anything to you. That's okay. You still mean everything to me. I wish we talked still. I wish we were friends again. I wish you gave me a chance 10 years ago. But that time is long and gone. I'm in a happier place now. And I hope you are too. I think we both deserve that. So Hello Again Ronni, keep killing it out there, I'm your number one fan.