Death Awaits

So Erika left me, probably for another guy.
Don't talk to my dad or sister anymore(by choice).
Mom lost her job.
I'm about to be fired from my job.
I'm broke.
I have no friends.
Got rid of my phone since there's no point in having it anymore.


Death seems very convincing again right now.

So Sudden

Depressed.
Anxious.
Paranoid.
Lost.
Scared.
Pain.
Broken.


Bleh.

Here's To The Night

I sometimes wish I was alone. That way I would have an excuse to die. No one would care and I would fade into oblivion. I don't have any friends. I don't have a dad, sister, or mom that cares. I'm tired of crying every night. I'm tired of falling to the ground from a anxiety attack. I'm tired of always feeling miserable. I'm tired of....well, being tired. So here's to the night, the night when someone cared. The night when someone risked it all for me. The night when everything just felt right. Here's to that night.

I Won't Forget

Soon you'll forget but I just can't,
I remember,
I remember everything,
All the times when no one ever came to get me,
All the nights when I was scared,
And when it got too weird,
All the tracks that shaped and changed me,
Inside of speeding cars,
And lying on your floor,
We were living in a broken world,
We turned it up and then we watched the city burn,
It was the song that saved my life,
And I can't forget her,
I won't forget her.

The Replaceable One

It seems that no matter how hard I try I always fail.
I fail so many times that I should be used to it.
But I'm not.
Every time hurts more and more.
Every scar starts to bleed.
My wounds never get the chance to heal.
I look back to april 24th 2009.
I realize nothing has changed.
Nothing ever will.
My depression will always find a way to rear its head.
Even in the happiest of times, it's always there.
I think I was meant to suffer.
While others shine, I'll be in the shadows.
I regret not being something better.
But the path was so dirty, I couldn't see.
I went down many paths, all of them bad.
I met many people, who I wronged.
I met many people, who wronged me.
It seems like I never met that person,
Who truely cared and loved me.
I always needed someone but no one ever stayed.
It's not their fault.
I wasn't worth it.
It was only high school.
But know I'm out.
Out in the real world.
My future is dim and the past is bright.
You learn from your past but die in the future.
I used to believe "hope" meant something.
That it's meaning was profound
And could rally the lonely together.
But what was once profound is lost.
Lost in the sands of time.
I have become what is needed to people.
A person who can be dropped off the road.
And wait for the next failure.
I will be tossed aside over and over.
I am nothing more.
I am replaceable.

Ghost Of Me

I don't know what to write.
I feel like shit and entirely confused.
I had everything planned out.
Now all of it is falling around me.
I'm caught in the middle of the pieces.
I have to watch each one fall to the ground.
But now I will be picking up the pieces.
They are getting so hard to find.
It's getting too dark.
I wonder why the stars don't sit to guide me.
I pick up a piece.
It's a picture of you.
It slips through my fingers.
I have become the ghost of me.

Blue Skies

I've been to both knees
Raise my hands up to the skies, forgive me
Is something out there far beyond the clouds?
I'm asking help me
Help me to see the world
Through baby eyes and hold me closely
I need a fresh start on the roller coaster
Made for coasting
It's time to wake up, time to make up
Time to shake these memories
It's time to leave the past in the past
And lace up a new set of shoestrings
I want the world to know I've got your back
Through up and down, see
So we can sit together, side by side
Through amazing

So I've broken every bone
And fought through what felt never-ending
I thought my head was made of sadness
But my heart is mending
I scream at sunsets
Give applause to what I can't control
Then somehow laugh at how
The moon divides an ocean solo
I wanna be that ocean
I wanna shine like that

And when I'm gone
I won't go screaming in the end
I'll give you everything my life amounts to
So raise your life up with me
And baby, let's go dancing 

I'm calling on blue skies.

Let Me Go

Anyone know how to stop myself from being miserable? distractions or such?

It seems like time is never ending.
It seems like i am homesick for some place I will never be.
It seems like I am alone on a planet.
It seems like I never had a summer of 69.
 It seems like time will never let me go.


If I could go back in time and change everything, I do so much better.
But you wont ever let me go.

You just have to see her, you know that she will break you in two.

Hide Your Eyes

I know that I'm not allowed to be here.
I just wanted to see how good your new man fucks you,
cause you both have been fucking me.

A Hundred Miles In a Thousand Years

So back on April 24 was a year since I went into the hospital.
Looking from what I was then and how I am now.
It's amazing how different I am.
I still have some of the same problems but its become minor.


No matter how frustrated I get at her, I still love her.
We've been through a lot and I know I put her through hell.
But after 2 and a half years, we are still one.

Its been a long journey and I am still taking that adventure.

No matter if I have to walk a hundred miles.
No matter if I have to wait a thousand years.

The 11 Year Old Boy

I saw something at work today.
Just a young boy, perhaps 11 or so, leaving the store with his mom.
He was just talking to his mom about nothing of remembrance.
It made me think of the beauty of relationships with parents.
It was nothing out of the ordinary but meant so much.
I began to realize that my mom needs help in her life.
Sure, there still will be times when we fight about randomness.
But, I know I need to help her out.
I gave her money to pay for bills.
It will risk be moving out soon but I think it's worth it.

Up And Down

I want to tell you that everything will be okay
That everything will eventually turn itself to gold
Keep pushin through it all
Don't follow, lead the way
Don't lose yourself or your hope

Remember life's like a jump rope

Walk On

I'm getting more paranoid and I'm hearing things
And they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It's just so heavy all the time

Yea I'm scared of death
And I'm scared of living
I gave up on the past cause it's unforgiving
I misplaced my trust

I watched my word begin to rust
I'm a balloon about to bust
I need a place for reliving

But sometimes I feel like weeping
Awake and when I'm sleeping
Perfecting how to put a game face on


 -Blue October



I find myself lost in the darkness.
I have no flashlight or hand to guide me.
But I still walk on.

Situations

I won't forget when I fell for you.
I won't forget when we were supposed to be.
I won't forget when you told me I would be happy.
I won't forget that day when you chose him over me.
I won't forget that day when I had so much hope.
I won't forget when you made me not able to sleep.
I won't forget that times you fucked me over.
I won't forget how you didn't care if I lived or died.
I won't forget when we went too far.
I won't forget having to be in second place in your life.
I won't forget the name carved in my arm.
I won't forget the overdoses that had your name on the labels.
I won't forget the holes you put in my heart.
I won't forget the days I was so lonely.
I won't forget what it was like to feel alive.
I won't forget you.

And most importantly....

I won't forget the situations you put me in.

Take Me Away

I hate thinking of the past.
Yet everyday I am constantly reminded of how fucked up I am because of the past.



I guess that's just fate.

Salvation Comes In Desperate Hours

My domain subscription ends in a week.
I'm not renewing it.
So i have a few last days left to write, for whomever, if anyone, reads this.
I hope you take a look at all my writings before I go away
Thanks.


I've been quite depressed recently.
I don't know why.

I worked 42 hours this week so its sleep time for meh.

To be continued.....

Songs That Saved My LIfe

In No Order:

Breathe Carolina - Hello Fascination

Mayday Parade - Miserable at Best

Amber Pacific - Thoughts Before Me

The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight

Anberlin - The Feel Good Drag

Fort Minor - Where'd You Go

Motion City Soundtrack - Lets Get Fucked Up And Die

Relient K - Hope For Every Fallen Man

Say Anything - A Walk Through Hell

Shiny Toy Guns - Rainy Monday

Attack Attack! - Bro Ashley's Here

The Secret Handshake - Too Young

Trading Yesterday - She Is The Sunlight

Underoath - A Fault Line A Fault Of Mine

We The Kings - Heaven Can Wait

Boys Like Girls - Love Drunk

Heaven Can Wait

Its hard to think its been more than a year.
 With everything that has happened.
   I should be dead by now.
    But I guess even Angels have there way.
      To show us what the world can bring.
        Even in the darkest of times.
         We, as humans, tend to find a fairly tale.
           Stuck inside a tragic nightmare.
             So maybe as summer gets closer.
              There grows the light in the darkness.
                So I'll take the dagger that you drove into me.
                  And instead of driving it in you.
                    I'll lay it down.
                      Because I am at peace.
                        Nothing here can affect me.
                          Because in 5 months.
                            I'll have everything I will ever need.
                              And until then.
                                Heaven can wait.

Pace Is The Trick

Maybe someday I'll get famous.
Maybe someday I'll be just like you.


But until then I'll be chasing dragonflies through her darkened skies.

The Story of a Pirate and a Princess

The day we met was like a hit and run.
You drove me crazy every time we touched.
Now I'm so broken that I can't get up.

All the time I wasted on you,
All the bullshit you put me through.
I checked into rehab cause everything that we had,
Didn’t mean a thing to you.

So here I am.
In between Hurricane and Harbor.
Waiting, just waiting to see where the current takes me.
I keep having this dream, every night.
But as the sun starts to show itself I wake up.
Will this dream ever end?

I feel like picking up my gun.
I feel like cocking it.
I feel like saying "God Ethan" and pulling the trigger.

But the thing is, is that I am numb.
I cannot feel.
The razor I once used doesn't bleed anymore.
My broken thoughts remain beyond repair.
So I try to find the cure for pain.

I graduate from High School in May.
I am moving to California soon after that.
I don't know what I am doing but I know it will come to me.
I plan on attending a local Community College and then going to a University.
I have yet to know what I am going to study.
I will be transfering from Safeway, my work, to Vons; same owner.
I will be going into the Army reserve also.

I hope to start over.
I hope to find a place where nobody has ever heard of me.
I hope to spend the rest of my life with Her. 
Because I am a pirate, and she is a princess.