Fake It Till You Make It

Overall, I haven't been that active anymore on my blog. I don't know why and i don't think anybody reads this anyways. I just felt like writing tonight i guess. I was overcome with anxiety and sadness. Today, obviously, was thanksgiving. And guess what my day was. Work, nap, sleep. My mom and uncle left to go to my sister's house for thanksgiving. To be honest i had something to eat at work and i can't do big outings. Its just an anxiety sort of thing. So anyways, i didn't really want to go.So i just sat in my room, and took a nap, like i said. Then got up and sat some more. It's really depressing when i think about it. I didn't even get a call or text from anyone other than those stupid chain messages everyone gets. Sometimes i just think of something and i just start crying. I don't know why. It's whats happening now. The real reason i haven't been writing is that i would like to think im getting better so i don't need to write. But i always have a night like tonight and i have to start over again the next day. It's just so hard to breathe sometimes. I hate waking up everyday knowing that seeing her, or talking to her, is going to make me or break me. I saw a video where this guy knew around 10 friends i think that have killed themselves. He felt hopeless, like he couldn't of done anything. I felt sorry for him, I knew he cared about people like them. I think i have that someone to care about me, but i don't think that now. Everything is starting to circle in my head. The battle is still going on. I can't escape. I am caught in the middle. I had a counselor, if you will, in the hospital when i was there that told me something. He said fake it until you make it. Its a common cliche but for some reason it seemed like i was hearing it for the first time. I knew what he meant. To continue to give fake smiles, fake emotions, and hope. It seems weird hearing that from someone who is trying to keep you alive. I think he meant it in a good way. Like just suffer through it until you reach what you want. But right now i am done faking. I think ill just be the way i am at home, and apply it to school and work. Ill probably fail school and get fired from work but that's what i have to do. I don't think she cares, or even knows the full extent of my suicidal mind. I find myself still wanting her. I sometimes look at her in class and think, wow she's really something. But it can never be. Like so long ago. That girl in California doesn't seem to want me anymore. It seems like her feelings of me are through. So what do i do now? I don't know. I think I'll stop writing. Its not like anyone reads this shit anyways. Much less even cares about me. Its selfish to think of it like that, i know. But i would like to think if i read this about someone else i would try to help. I have tried many times before to others but they seem to reject help. So I'll stop writing. Maybe get my belts and razors back. I'm tired. Goodnight Huesca. I love you.

Miserable At Best

Katie, don't cry, I know
You're trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights we shared
Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but i want it so

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it

Ladada ladada ladadaoh ohhh

And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you
And I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
Because I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you
But without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you
Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best

For What It's Worth

Well hello there. It has been awhile. I don't know why i haven't wrote recently. I guess that's good? But i guess its because nothing too bad is happening. I got Miserable At Best by Mayday Parade stuck in my head. And Hello Fascination by Breathe Carolina. They are very true to what i see. But aside from that, I have talked to my dad again and things went well. I haven't consumed myself with needing a girl. At least not for the past week or so. I still think I'm missing that puzzle peice in my life. Whether its a girl or just an opportunity that can change my life. I've been trying to forget the things that have happened. I realized the stupidity of my actions towards others. I wish i never did a lot of things. But the people still dislike me and my scars remain. I think the only way to better yourself in life, is to not make the same mistake twice. I have failed on that a lot in my life. And this time i want to pass the test. I think another reason i have not written in awhile is because I've been working nearly every day for the past month or so. Add on school and i get really tired. I usually play some video games then fall asleep at 2am. I need to work on my bedtime. My body is just so used to staying up. I am just so sick and tired, of being sick and tired. For what it's worth, I'll try to update every once in a while. Sorry this was nothing profound or special. Just wanted to write. Goodnight.

Fatal Attraction

Oh sweet razor,
Have you ever done me wrong?
Why do you tempt me,
With that lovely song?

Is there a better choice,
Then to open my veins?
Or does this torture,
Have a purpose for the pain?

I see the blood all around me,
Except for in my heart.
For so fearful,
That it all might fall apart.

The night is young,
And so are we.
The day will come,
Oh so eventually.

As morning breaks,
I am awaken by the sun.
I look at my wrists,
And know what I've done.

Purpose For The Pain

My days are scattered, my nights troubled. I don't know how each day is going to be. I want to be able to know what each day will bring me. I guess that is the beauty of life.  Mia is my best friend. And even though every day is a struggle she is always there. I feel now that there actually might be a purpose for the pain. I cannot thank her enough. I sometimes feel bad that she has to listen to me. I think eventually she will get tired of it. I hope not. But regardless she is amazing. I have never had that good of a friend before. I don't know where i will be in the next week or even day but i hope she is here with me. I have writers block right now so ill talk more later. I love you Mia. I hope that whatever you do with your life, i am there to experience it with you. You are a great friend.....Actually i am going to continue writing. Its about five minutes after i last wrote. I have been overcome with sadness in a matter of seconds. I hate depression. I wish i didn't have it. But who would want it? I guess i am not alone. I find myself hurt every time i think of this situation. I can't keep pretending that i don't care. I can't do it! I am so tired. Why can't i be happy. Why can't someone love me? I hate myself. I don't care about myself anymore. I am going to drink and smoke myself to death. Maybe a sad song will make you remember me someday. I have always just wanted one thing. And yet you never let that happen. Please, I just want to be like him.

Scream

I am back to where i was a week ago. But now I'm even worse. I don't know whats happening. I can't catch a break. Everything is turning worse and worse. I can't believe that you can't give me what will save this life. I want to be just like him. I want to feel your love to him that should go to me. I want to love you, just like he did. I am sitting here crying while you are sleeping so soundly. I am trying to take my life while you are kissing him. I can't take this anymore. Why do i still insist on believing my life has a meaningful existence? "Ethan, just give up, it's okay. You were never meant to have a good life, it will be alright soon." And you say "Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you. I hate God. I hate even thinking about him making things new. I am a broken man, born in a broken place. This love, has taken everything from me. Why can't you understand. Why can't you realize my problem, and solve it. You told me sweet everything's today. Everything's that turned to nothings. I dropped everything. I couldn't bare the weight that you had just dropped on me. I cant stop crying. "Why is blood coming out of my eyes?" There is no sense in staying in this place i once felt safe in. I realized when you are all alone, faced with death, you tend to grab the devils arm, and follow him. I am nothing without you, yet you fail to be what i need most. You say i hurt you when i say these things; you say you care about me. Yet, you are the one that is happy, and he is the one that gets to call you his love. This world is so unperfect, and this love, it is so unworth it. I can't believe i let myself believe that i was worth anything to you. I don't deserve a chance. I am pathetic. I will never be anything. You say you believe in fate. I do now also. And my fate will come down to its last days soon. And finally, i can do it. No one can save me anymore. You were my last hope. My fate has been sealed. This will be the death of me. The scars that people will see will have your name written all over them. I want to sleep, but there are nightmares when i try. I want to scream. I want this to be just a dream. I want to wake up and be just out of my mother's womb. I want to start over. But that won't happen. I wish this could have a fairytale ending. But the wind is blowing; the sun is rising. There are birds circling above me; i know the reason why. I get grabbed by someone. They hang me up on a gallery wall. I am hanging by my last thread of my heart. I cannot get down. And a second before i drop. I think of you; and i scream my loudest.

Oh Gravity

Hello fascination,
You're building me up.
Just to break me down.
You're being loud
Without making a sound.
You're pasting me in.
Just to cut me out.
Oh gravity, why can't we, seem to keep this together?
Oh this tragedy, why can't we, seem to hold this together?

The Sun And The Moon

Last night was amazing. And i really appreciated Mia coming over. But now i feel like my old self again. I don't know why but it seems like every good thing gets followed by a bad thing. Today at work i had a couple anxiety attacks that hurt my chest a lot. I started walking around with my head down feeling like shit. I didn't have the energy to live like i did last night. I don't know what had happened to me since then. This sucks. I feel so lost again.