Fake It Till You Make It

Overall, I haven't been that active anymore on my blog. I don't know why and i don't think anybody reads this anyways. I just felt like writing tonight i guess. I was overcome with anxiety and sadness. Today, obviously, was thanksgiving. And guess what my day was. Work, nap, sleep. My mom and uncle left to go to my sister's house for thanksgiving. To be honest i had something to eat at work and i can't do big outings. Its just an anxiety sort of thing. So anyways, i didn't really want to go.So i just sat in my room, and took a nap, like i said. Then got up and sat some more. It's really depressing when i think about it. I didn't even get a call or text from anyone other than those stupid chain messages everyone gets. Sometimes i just think of something and i just start crying. I don't know why. It's whats happening now. The real reason i haven't been writing is that i would like to think im getting better so i don't need to write. But i always have a night like tonight and i have to start over again the next day. It's just so hard to breathe sometimes. I hate waking up everyday knowing that seeing her, or talking to her, is going to make me or break me. I saw a video where this guy knew around 10 friends i think that have killed themselves. He felt hopeless, like he couldn't of done anything. I felt sorry for him, I knew he cared about people like them. I think i have that someone to care about me, but i don't think that now. Everything is starting to circle in my head. The battle is still going on. I can't escape. I am caught in the middle. I had a counselor, if you will, in the hospital when i was there that told me something. He said fake it until you make it. Its a common cliche but for some reason it seemed like i was hearing it for the first time. I knew what he meant. To continue to give fake smiles, fake emotions, and hope. It seems weird hearing that from someone who is trying to keep you alive. I think he meant it in a good way. Like just suffer through it until you reach what you want. But right now i am done faking. I think ill just be the way i am at home, and apply it to school and work. Ill probably fail school and get fired from work but that's what i have to do. I don't think she cares, or even knows the full extent of my suicidal mind. I find myself still wanting her. I sometimes look at her in class and think, wow she's really something. But it can never be. Like so long ago. That girl in California doesn't seem to want me anymore. It seems like her feelings of me are through. So what do i do now? I don't know. I think I'll stop writing. Its not like anyone reads this shit anyways. Much less even cares about me. Its selfish to think of it like that, i know. But i would like to think if i read this about someone else i would try to help. I have tried many times before to others but they seem to reject help. So I'll stop writing. Maybe get my belts and razors back. I'm tired. Goodnight Huesca. I love you.