Spacebound

I feel so depressed. Like nothing ever goes right. I pour my heart out into what i say and do and nothing good comes from it. No one cares. I don't believe in hope anymore, I don't think "God" makes things new. I don't trust the fact that it takes times for wounds to heal. How is my heart supposed to heal when the stitches won't say in? I do believe in pain, and suffering, and the emptiness of my heart. I believe that I was meant to be alone, and that my walks in the sorrows of my nightmares are justified. I walk this path on my own, no one to take my hand and lead me. I keep my thoughts clumped up in my head. All day they are circling like birds ready to feast. They can smell me dying. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my words have no meaning, and my actions have no impact. I used to write because it freed my soul, but now I write because it's the only thing that doesn't judge me. However words can only go so far. As the cliche goes, actions do speak louder than words. I will prove that. I will show her that my life was lost because I didn't have her. That only she knew my true pain and chose to ignore it. That she, and only her, could have saved this life. When I am gone. I want her to know how much i needed her, right by my side, through thick and thin. I want everyone to know that she was the death of me.


It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorceress, cuz you just
Did the impossible; gained my trust, don't play games it'll be dangerous
If you fuck me over, cuz if I get burnt
Ima show you what it's like to hurt
Cuz I been treated like dirt before ya
And love is evol, spell it backwards I'll show ya (evil)
Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone
It's no one's fault but my own. it's the path I've chosen to go
Frozen as snow, I show no emotion whatsoever so
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mo'fuckin' hoes
Blood suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this
I've tried in this department but I ain't have no luck with this
It sucks, but it's exactly what I thought it would be like tryna start over
I got a hole in my heart, some kind of emotional roller coaster
Something I won't go till you toy with my emotions so it's over
It's like an explosion, everytime I hold ya I wasn't joking when I told ya
You take my breath away, you're a supernova, and Imma...


I'm a space bound rocketship and your hearts the moon
And I'm aiming right at you, right at you
250 thousand miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aiming right at you, right at you, right at you


I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with you I get the shakes
My body aches, when I ain't with you I have zero strength
There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths
Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks
Gonna be that one, then once we get them it's never the same
You want them when they don't want you, Soon as they do feelings change
It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate

I wasn't looking when I stumbled on to you, musta been fate
But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take?
Let's cut to the chase, before the door shuts in your face
Promise me if I cave in and break
And leave myself open that I won't be makin' a mistake

So after a year and six months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once
I poured my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God
I blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms
Drop to my knees and I'm bleedin, I'm tryna stop you from leavin'
You won't even listen so fuck it, I'm tryna stop you from breathin'
I put both hands on your throat, I sit on top of you squeazin'
Til I snap your neck like a popsicle stick, ain't no possible reason
I can think of to let you walk up out this house and let you live
Tears stream down both of my cheeks now I let you go and just give
And before I put that gun to my temple I told you this... (Gunshot)

And I woulda did anything for you
To show you how much I adored you
But it's over now, it's too late to save our love
Just promise me you'll think of me everytime you look up in the sky and see a star

-Spacebound- Eminem 

It Is Fate.

I told myself if no one texted/called me today I would kill myself tomorrow. So far no one has. I have to walk to work tomorrow so I 'll just run into traffic. I think I actually might do it this time. I'm not afraid to die anymore. It is fate. I have to do this. I can't be afraid anymore. I feel so worthless, I have to stop this pain. It's been five years of struggle and now its time. No one has tried to help me. I am screaming for help. I feel so alone. It's hard to type when you are shaking. I wrote my suicide note a week ago, now I can use it. I should have done this a long time ago. I'm sorry.

I Need Someone

Anyone out there? I could use a stay up late buddy. Since no one cares about me here....

Why

Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so, easily?

Hannah

You will never leave my mind.

Let It Go.

You were standing in the wake of devastation
And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying "Save me now"
You were there, impossibly alone

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
No one there to catch you in their arms

All Around Me

Tonight, there is a circle of depression constantly surrounding me no matter where I go. I cannot breathe, and cannot rid these demons from my past. I can't think without her deception claiming my heart. I am alone, along with my thoughts and emotions. But I can still feel you, all around me, thickening the air I am breathing. You said you would never leave me, I believe you, i believe.

Suicide

Suicide is not chosen;
it happens when pain exceeds resources
for coping with pain.

This Fire

I am alone, in my conscience, where only doubt and evil live. I am meant for this, meant to suffer; meant to be alone. It is something I must believe in, since I've got nothing else. I have no friends; no one to talk too. I may shut off my phone again, there is no point anymore. I can't explain how this feels, but I can show you. I can write these words in hope that long after I am gone someone understands my pain, and rejoices the voice in these letters, one by one. I am a martyr, a fictional character, to help explain emotions that others don't have the will to say. But maybe that's what happens when hurricane meets harbor. When soul meets body, and all that is left are fragments of a lost opportunity. An opportunity that was gone as fast as it came. Because life is no video game. You only get one life, one chance to love, and one chance to make an impact. My time on this world is soon ending. This fire inside me has burned out. I am sick of being sick and tired. My heart has ran out of summers. This fire is over.


Ne-Yo - So Sick

End Of A Story.

I firmly believe every story has its endings, including mine. I think mine is coming to an end. I thought I had it all but not so much anymore. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, what's my purpose, and my goals. I am lost and I want to die. I suffocate myself sometimes at night to help me sleep better. I want to cut but I'm just too lazy. I feel alone, really alone. I feel like I don't have anyone that cares for me. I started my dream that helps me sleep again, for the past week or so. Before then, I hadn't in about 3 months. I think it is time. Time to let it all go. I deserve to be alone, and rot in a corpses shell. I almost stabbed myself in the chest tonight also, but that, would be way too much pain. I just wish I knew why I was born. For nothing of good reason that's for sure. I still think it was just for me to suffer, and hide in my fears. To be honest, I haven't been this depressed at all this year. I feel like shit. I think I'm gonna watch a sad/romantic movie. It will probably be "Definitely, Maybe". That movie is really good. Goodnight.

Volcanoes and Tornadoes.

I don't know what this world has in store for me. Everyday is a new adventure I don't feel like taking. The past is marked with pain and the future is stained with anger. I can't tell you how it really is, but I can tell you how it feels. I can't seem to separate the things that are in and out of my control. I lose consciousness every time I see her. I don't know what I'm doing when I read her words. I don't know why I can't realize what I have now. Maybe that's why they call it heartbreak. Heartbreak is something that takes an eternity to heal, if ever. I saw the first girl to ever break my heart today. I thought I was gonna break down; but I didn't. I looked at her as if she never caused my first suicide attempt. I found that to be interesting. I am also over Danielle, my first "love". I don't have emotions toward them anymore. I still can't seem to get over Erika. I have no idea why. But I think I just need time. I have a great girlfriend now that loves me for me and I will realize what I have soon, hopefully. I just want a stable life for once. Everything is too much for my own good. My lungs are torn and my heart is broken. So, this blog ends on a note. A note of a volcano meeting a tornado. Where only one will survive. Only time can tell.

Please Come Back Home.

I can't stand this. If she ever comes back home I'm gonna tie her to this bed and set this house on fire. I will stand there and watch her burn. She will burn along with the years of pain and anguish. It's amazing how you can go from loving someone to not being able to fucking stand them the next day. Maybe that's what happens when hurricane meets harbor. When both claim to save us. In amidst the wreckage, is the love that once fueled our hearts and ignited my lungs. But I will continue to fight until I cannot anymore. I will push through this storm with the knife in my chest. As long as the world lets me, I will ruin what curse you put on me. You used, amused, and murdered my life, but that's over. You fucked up now. You live your life. Hook up with as many guys as you want. Do it as I fight for this country. Feel when I die for a cause you never knew existed. So please come back home; leave your bags on the sidewalk, because you won't need them where you are going.

The Way You Lie.

I'm suffering. I can't move or speak. I'm looking at my life. I don't know what there is anymore. I want to return home, to a place where I feel safe. I hate it here. Everything reminds me of the past. I want to die every time I lay down. I want to set this house on fire and watch me burn in flames. I want to feel the fire seep into my veins and explode my heart. It will hurt so bad, but that's alright, because I like the way it hurts. This is all my fault. This is something I cannot undue. This is the story of a deadman. From the beginning to the end, It's led to this moment. The moment when soul departs from body, Lifts into space, and flies away. My body is motionless, frozen by fear, Taught by pain. There will be no next time, don't you hear sincerity in these words? She fucking hates me, and I love it. I feel like Superman with the wind at my back. Nothing can save me from this fate. I am dying. Tell me sweet nothings. Tell me stories about men who have overcame perils in history. Tell me about people who have survived tragedy. Explain hope and how "God" makes things new. Because I love the way you lie.

Gives You Hell.

I heard writing can free a soul of troubles....so I have became overcome with sadness. I don't know why I can't let this thought in my head go away. This thought that I actually meant something to them. I don't know why I just look at her Twitter but I do. I know that we will never be together and that we would never work out but I can't stop my mind from wandering. I hate being so curious. I knew her for almost 4 years. That's a long time to know someone and just all of a sudden stop talking to them. I miss her, i do, but my life is better without her. I can breathe with my lungs and not my heart. My heart is still too weak to breathe. It's been battered by storms and horizons. I guess she's a strong girl after all. Its been about 5 months and shes still in my head, like a leech to skin. But she never cared, never loved, or even wanted to be with me. I realize it now. I was just something to pass the time. She's back to drinking, partying, smoking, and now hooking up with random guys. It's fine though, because I was the only person in her life that cared about her. So, now that I'm gone, she can throw her life away. I don't care. So, Erika, we've reached this point in our lives where we will never see/speak to each other ever again. I will not waver in my resolve. I will not falter in my being. I will not let you be the reason I die. You are a myth, a myth that was told to me over the last 3 or so years by the Devil. I have someone else. Someone that cares and loves me more than you ever showed. I spent too much time and money on you; things you did not deserve. Although I say these things, I know you will always have a place in my head. I hope that when you think of me you are saddened. Saddened at what you lost. I hope it gives you hell.



P.S. Finally, In about a month or so I will be enlisting into the Army. It's a long time overdue and I hope this time it works out.

The Love That Carries Me.

Though my skin and bones may falter.
Though my soul has since faded away.
I will rise, out of ashes, into solace.
For you are with me.
My staff; my shield, they shall guide me.

Two Years.

I just realized on this day two years ago I was just freshly out of the behavior health hospital(mental hospital). When I came out, two years ago, I thought life would be easy. I thought that once I came out that nothing could touch me. Because how can life get worse now? But it did, I wasn't invincible and I wasn't sane. I didn't listen to the advice I got and I just went downhill even further. Even after a year being out I look back; I was still miserable but I was getting to be better. 2010 was a bad year. I missed out on a lot of good things. But for the past 4 years of my life I have so I shouldn't be too down about it. I wish i never met her. She ruined everything. But I was naive and believed the words across the borders. But even now, I am not completely sane. Sure I have a girlfriend(Who I recently proposed too) and it seems like this whole Army thing might just work out for the better. But I am still alone; alone in my thoughts and feelings where no one can reach me. I don't think it will ever go away. I believe it's just a side effect of being depressed your whole life. So, at this time of the night, I will sleep alone, in the safety of my conscience and fully awake to the knowledge I've learned. The knowledge of grace; and that redemption is real. I want to say something profound to the reader of this, something that will stick with you long after I pass away. So, if I die, before I wake tomorrow, I want to say one thing:


Your story is real, and the adventures you take will hurt; you will suffer. There will be highs; even moments of invincibility. But by the end of the tale, salvation will come, in the form of angels Angels that are bond by hope and sincerity.

Sex.

What is sex? Is sex something that is just physical?....or is it more? I like to think that sex is one of the most, if not the most, important parts of life. What I mean is that sex can either help you find a soul mate, or it can ruin your life. Not many things in this world can do that. Sex is lust, we all know that. But can sex also be love? I believe it can be. I've been around the block(more than my own good) and I have to say that love is out there, because through having sex with a girl, I found my future wife. Now, I am not saying I have sex with people just to see if there is a click, no, not at all. I am merely stating that this "witch hunt" for sex isn't needed. We should regulate sex between partners, but not seclude it from our lives. The value of sex is a very low price right now, and It's disappointing to see it how it is. We must respect sex, as it once was respected. Because after all, isn't love worth it?

Side Note: This is totally a sex awareness blog /sarcasm

Jenny.

I hope you are proud of me.

Pain.

I wait around all day for a text that will never come. A text that will brighten my day. But happiness is not for me. Never will it be. I hurt everywhere, physically and mentally. I'm done. I've deleted everyone from facebook and I will never go on it ever again or any other social networking site. I am dead now.

Repetitive

Lonely

Lonely

Lonely

Lonely

Lonely

Lonely

Please Be Worth It.

I want to die so badly. I'm tired of everything. I have no friends; no one that cares about me. I need someone to stay up with me until i literally fall asleep. I can't do this on my own. But nobody cares, so I guess I'll just kill myself. Its hard to breathe when you know that the oxygen you are inhaling shouldn't be wasted on you. There's nothing left of me. Nothing to give, nothing to take. I wish there was an easy way to end my life, but everything seems so hard or tricky to do. I've done my research. It's not even that I want/need a girlfriend anymore. I just need someone to hold my hand and tell me everything will be alright. The love of my life left me 3 months ago and I've been empty ever since. Now that she is gone, I have no future. She was my future. I was going to marry her and spend every waking moment making sure she was happy. But she's gone, doing who knows what. I don't think she loves me anymore, or even cares to think about me. Which is alright I guess. She moved on, I'm still on the floor face down from when i fell to my knees. I don't believe in "God" anymore. "God" doesn't provide any faith to me so why should I waste my time with Him. I don't believe in anything anymore. Not hope, love, God, strength, or succeeding in anything. However, I do believe in Hell, because I've been there, many times. I believe that some people are meant to suffer. That some people are born to cry. I just drew the short straw. Its hard to believe that It's almost been two years since I've been out of the mental hospital. I want to go back though. It's the only place I've ever felt safe. I don't want to be here anymore, not in this house, or in this world. I want this suffering to end. I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of staying up until 2am because I'm afraid of what will happen if I lay in my bed. This night, like most nights, will be hard, and I don't know how I will make it. I envy the people who sleep good, and wake up feeling alive. I want that. My scars and new carved cuts hurt right now, I haven't felt this much pain in a long time. But they are on my legs, where no one can judge me. I'll keep this hidden until the day I die. Because people won't help me, so why ask them. I will never be loved...be wanted...be needed, by anyone. I am useless. I want to trade my life in, even though I know it's not worth much in value.But maybe someday I'll wake up and this will all just be a dream, A dream within a dream. Recurring over and over in my head, trying to make sense of what has happened in my life. A dream in which the hero really does get the girl in the end this time. A movie where good prevails over evil. A life that's worth living.



Sidenote:

September Villaverde helped me so much last night. I really have to thank her for that. There was a good two or three hours where I was going crazy and she distracted me long enough to calm myself down. It was hard after we stopped talking, but not nearly as hard as it would have been if we didn't talk at all. Here's too you Tem Tem.

Dead

Everyone is gone from my life, I am alone. Completely.

Somebody

Be there for me,
Through thick and thin,
Love and hate,
Fear and fun,
Good and bad.

One Step Beyond.

I'm so lonely. I need a friend. I have no one. I don't want to breathe. I don't want to move. I don't want to think. I don't want to take one step beyond what I have too.

Pact To Myself.

STARVING TO DEATH
Time:      40 days give or take. Depends on health.
Available: Anywhere where you can't be force-fed
Certainty: Good as long as no medical help & will power holds up
Notes:     Supposed to be easier after the first couple of days, since
      your appetite goes.       

"after approximately 20 % of body weight loss, illness will
 begin to set in, notably severe indigestion, muscle weakness, and
 worst of all_ mental incapacity. ... about 40 days before life
 is seriously theatened." 

"In some cases self-starvation can be very painful. ... morphine
 had to be administered to kill the pain of fatal dehydration."

The End Of Heartache

I hate my life. I'm so alone. No one cares about me. I wish I had her. Not saying she's "the one" or anything, but I really like her. Oh well, I'm not good enough, as always. I can't sleep, I can't breathe. I want this heartache to end. Now.

Dearly Beloved

Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented? Or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure

Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded? Or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word and that's my best excuse

Loneliness Can Break A Heart

I feel so alone. I want people to talk to me. Just for one day. No one cares to even ask how my day was or anything. So yes, my heart is broke, never to beat again. I'll get used to it, I'll get used to disappointment. I'm just not quite ready yet. Because until she is gone, i cannot die. I expect her to leave soon, because i probably annoy her by how much i talk to her. She doesn't even like me after all. I want to trade this life for something new, something that i can believe in. I hate myself, and everything I stand for. Soon enough, I'll be long gone, gone from the non believers and the critics. Soon enough, I'll be coming home. Because loneliness can break a heart.

Black And Blue

I don't believe in fate, or that people are meant to be together. I believe in pure coincidence. I believe in two people meeting by chance and one having enough courage to pursue a mate. Maybe that's why the divorce rate is so high. People believe that if they find someone even remotely attractive it's meant to be. I don't want too believe that but it just always happens. Why must I fall in love with a girl that gives me even the least bit of attention? I would like to think that there is someone for everyone, not just for my sake, but for everyone's. So I have to ask myself, why am I single? Is it because I think I'm ugly and undeserving? Or is it because I refuse to believe that everyone I come in contact with isn't Her? It's a question that seems to allude me. But I will take the blows, one by one. Black and blue, beat me until I'm numb. Because I can't die until I see that light in her eyes.

The End.

I give up.

Alone

It's funny how I can put I'm sad/depressed on Facebook or anything and  no one cares. I don't do it for attention. I just want someone to give a fuck and talk to me. I need interaction to keep my sanity. Oh well, I guess I'm all alone still.

Waiting For The End

I feel so alone.

If I Had You

I do not believe in me being in a relationship that will last anymore. I believe that I was only meant to be with Ronni. The happiness she gave me was incredible. I dreamt of her every night. She even almost made me non existent in life. I only want to be with her. I will always be alone if I can't have her. Seeing her makes my heart stop. She has grace beyond her years, and beauty supreme of all others. I miss her so much. I never even had a chance.  If I had you, life would be worth it.

Facebook

Facebook is depressing. Nothing really good comes from it, to me at least. All I get to see if other people hanging out with other people and girlfriends/boyfriends. It's not really the best place for a depressed no life like me. I wish I had friends though. I wish my anxiety didn't make me stay inside. But I've grown pretty comfortable with the fact that I'm alone, and that it's best if I have no one.

Relationships.

I think I want to be alone, at least for now. I don't think I'm emotionally ready for a relationship, that's why I find myself only having "hookups". I mean in 6 months I'm gone anyways, but still, I'm scared to be in a relationship now. I know that it will never last. You have to go into a relationship with a positive mindset and I don't. I would just ruin it like I always have. So maybe down the road I'll be with someone. Maybe not. I'll just have to wait and see.

True Bond

I feel distant. As if I am on a different world.  I want to be on earth though. I want to experience love. I want to see what dreams are made of. I want a fix in those heroin eyes. All these things I want but I can't have. Even though I'm leaving in 6 months I want to feel a bond with someone. I think that's what humans need. I think that is the meaning of life. To find someone that you feel so comfortable with that nothing can break it. Whether its a boyfriend, girlfriend, family, or even a pet. Something that makes you want to wake up in the morning and not just whither away into nothingness. I have yet to feel that bond, so maybe it's not the truth. But to me, it sounds pretty damn good. I want to do something amazing. Something that can't be found in words or pictures. I can't seem to figure out what that is yet. Hopefully I will, but nothing in life is guaranteed. I've met some pretty amazing people in my life and circumstances have broke us apart. I wish I could do over everything. I could do so much better. But what would mistakes mean if they were never made? So I sit here, contemplating my life, Wondering what life has in store for me now. Feel free to experience life with me. I'm sure it will be worth your time. I'm sure we can develop a true bond.