The Downfall Of Me

It is 9pm at night and I've realized leading up to this point in time, I'm miserable. For the past three years I've experienced true rejection and disappointment. Her name was Ronni and she was all i ever needed. She broke my fucking heart. But then again, i don't think she meant too. But that night when she rejected me was my first suicide attempt. The one that almost killed me. I still don't like who i am right now. Everyday i am constantly reminded on how much of a fuck up i am. I don't have any friends and no one gives a shit about me. Even going to a hospital didn't help. Its like i was meant to be unhappy. I have accept it. Of course i wish i could be happy. But i never am. I am on pills that don't even work half the time. I just want to feel loved. I want to know that the next day will be special. I want someone to say that they care about me. I want someone sometime to ask if I'm okay or not. I want someone to listen. I've tried for so long to be happy but i guess God doesn't want it that way. Every girl rejects me after they lead me on. I've been so close but i always fail. Hell, even when i do have a girlfriend i find some way to fuck it up. I'm not meant to live. I don't feel comfortable here. I want to die. I don't want sympathy. I just want to be left alone. I want to die curled up in a ball under my sheets. I want them to find me dead with tears frozen on my face. I want them to see a hundred years of heart break on my arms. I want them to understand what it's like to hate every second of your life. I am envious of them. Them who can live life and not have to worry. They who are happy, with or without a partner. I see so many people who are happy with a girlfriend/boyfriend. It irritates me. I want to be like them. I want to be....well wanted. I can't do this alone but i guess i have too. And doing this alone will kill me. People try to understand me, but they don't. Do you know how it feels to cry yourself to sleep while choking yourself around your neck with a belt? Do you know what it's like to wake up every day knowing you are going to fuck up somehow? How about knowing that every girl you meet will end up in disaster? No? I thought so. No one can understand because my pain is the worst pain. No one can feel it but me. I don't think I'll kill myself now though. It's too hard. Ive tried too much. But maybe in a couple years, or perhaps, less than that. I want to be alone when i do it. Like i have been for the past 3 years. I want to hear myself cry as i die. I want every girl who has rejected me and left me to die to hear it too. I hate them. I hate everything that they have done to me. They can sleep so soundly, but me, oh I'm not that lucky. I wonder what 9 hours...8 hours...or even 7 hours of good sleep feels like. I'm so tired. Everyday is like a week in my mind. I've worn myself out. I'm too weak to pick myself up. With no one to help me, I'll be down here forever; away from the sun. Or perhaps I'll stand there, like a scarecrow filled with nothing but dust and weeds. Maybe I'll be hung in a gallery with a thread of my heart holding me up. Either way, I'm alone, while everyone else is enjoying the view around me. I don't think about having a family anymore. Not about sweet children I'll have, or a beautiful, loving wife. No, not anymore. Because that is not my life. I am meant to be alone. Now i know for sure. So maybe that is my purpose here. To suffer in life and save others from my fate. Then, to die all alone while the world passes me by. I can't say I'm scared however. I have learned to accept my destiny. Some people die, some people live. I just picked the short straw. So here i am, at 9:23pm, still writing. I don't really know what else to say. If this gets read, by some odd chance, before i die, then don't try to save me. It is too late for any heroics. Maybe if you go to the ones i had put so much faith into, to only be torn apart. Go back to them and ask them questions. About why they chose to kill me. Why they chose to just walk away when i needed them most. Ask them. Please. Because i still don't know why. I hope that my suffering will be worth it. I think other peoples lives will be better without me. It will certainly save them the trouble on having to deal with my mistakes and worthlessness. I can only hope that my death will be the best for this world. Like a martyr, or some comic book hero. I used to think the hero always got the girl in the end. Now i think the villain does. So at 9:30pm i say farewell. Farewell to a life of pain and suffering. Farewell to those who have truly, truly, killed me. I bid you farewell and hope that someday a song on the radio will play and that it will remind you of me. So that you will separate from my afterglow and live your life the way i never got too. This is where we end. A minute later. Just one minute. Goodnight and good luck young travelers.