Is There A Way Out?

I am alone again, and i cant say it feels good. The hope i had for a better tomorrow faded away almost as soon as i had thought of it. She wasn't for me, i know, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that i was so close to not being alone. I want to be with her, i do, its just me and her are different people. I thought she was the one, for real this time. I had known her for so long and she seemed to be okay about my past. I seemed to be okay with hers too. She had done a lot of things that usually would have made me sick. But she was different. The more and more i think about it i sometimes wonder what my life is going to mean when I'm gone. I don't think it will be a funeral where everybody i know attends and signs how much i affected their lives. I don't think my family will rejoice and say memories of me to each other. I don't think anyone i know will attend. Of course its standard for the family to attend but even then it means nothing.I find it amazing that i can sit at home all week and not have anybody text me, or call me, just to say hello. I don't think anyone wants too. I don't know where i will be in a couple years, or even a month, but i have certainty that my life will be the same. I learned in 500 Days of Summer that the belief of love, destiny, and soul mates are a lie. That love is a coincidence. That it just happens in a way that you didn't want it too happen, yet it is real. However i don't think it will happen to me. All of my relationships have been me starting to like the girl. Even when i like someone and it fails, its always me starting it. I take deep breaths to convince myself that my lungs are still alive. It hurts, and i want them to be fixed. I want my life to mean something. I want to wake up and realize that someone, at the same time as me, woke up and realized that i woke up.I want her to smile at knowing that i am alive. I want her to find me. I want her to grab my hand and tell me that its okay. I want her to tell me that my life means something. I want her to look in my eyes, and see the broken mind that lay behind. I mean when i say that never has a good thing in my life continued without some bad thing happening soon after it. Whether its my birthday plans crushed, having my mom not let me drive, or losing my beautiful girlfriend. I don't want to live anymore. I want to die.