Her Name Was Carly

October 18th. My therapist told me to write down the dates from now on, So i can remember when i wrote them. I wanted to write last night but i was too tired to get out of bed. I don't know what i want to talk about. My ex girlfriend Sara and I just started talking again. I don't know if we are going to go out again or not. She said she will think about it. I still have moments of bad anxiety and depression but i think its getting a little better. Still, every time i see a girl i get all nervous. I say it again that i do want a girlfriend, but i don't think it would be healthy for me right now. I read in a book i got for my birthday Drops Like Stars by Rob Bell that    suffering brings people together. I never quite realized that but it does. While i was going through all my problems my family was brought together. I don't know what i feel right now. I just want to be relaxed. But i cant be. I have too much stuff on my mind. I want her. I need her. She loves him. That sort of thing. I know that there are bigger problems that i should be worried about right now. And i know my problems may seem stupid compared to others. But this is my pain, and no one can feel it but me. That is the truth. I mean I'm 18, i should be moving on, but i cant. I'm down on the ground, away from the sun, and no one can see me. I miss the way my life should have been. I miss the fact that i never had a summer of 69. I'm homesick for a place i will never be. There is nothing left to lift me up, into the world i belong. I miss her. I miss my ex girlfriend, Danielle. I miss my old best-friend, Carly. I had it good. They were everything i needed. Hell Carly was there when I needed it most. It sometime didn't seem like she cared but she saw me in my darkest moments; and stayed with me. I went to the hospital for her. I tried to make her proud. Things happened after that, which i believe i have explained in my past writings. If not then I shall dare to say i fell for her, hard. And too be honest i never got back up since then. Ive been slowly crawling  to the nearest support to help me up. That was back in May. But i know it wasn't her fault. And i tried to make her feel like shit for it. And I'm sorry for that. It wasn't her fault. But since then like i said, its been hard. However i proud to say its been about 4 months since i last cut. The scars are still there, and people tell me to get rid of them. But i want them, they mean a lot to me. It means that i went to war with myself, and for now at least, I'm still alive