Sleep Tonight Darling

I just got back from work. I'm tired. I haven't gotten much sleep lately. I should be used to it by now though. I was just searching MySpace and i realized something. I am alone. Like I've realized it before but now its true. I look around and I see nothing, and no one. I know that a girl won't come around, at least anytime soon. Perhaps she will never come. I feel miserable. I hate faking it at work and school. All those fake smiles i have to put on. I smile to people but inside I'm slowing tearing apart and falling down a million stairs to my eventual death. It feels like some Rob Thomas lyric. His song How Far We've Come speaks to me, like a mom whispering to her new born child. That song is so true to my heart. It has stuck itself in my head.To be honest these last couple days haven't been too bad, in terms of the night. I don't know why but i have these moments of sanity. It is only expected, however, that the nightmares and demons will come back soon. I don't think I'm prepared. I can't stand disappointment. I've had it all throughout my life, yet it still gets to me. I don't know why.I say all the time that i need a girl. And that she will save me from my downfall. But, again, to be honest I don't know what I would do if I had a girlfriend. It would be something I would have to learn all over again. I've put myself through so much loneliness that i wouldn't know what to do. I'm scared. Really scared. My therapist told me to call Empact if i had any tough moments at night. It still has to be seen if I really will call them. And if they do come, then what if i have to go back to the hospital again? I want too, but at the same time I don't. I'm almost 18 and that means I get put in with the rest of the adults. And that's where the really crazy people are. I want to get better, I do. But its just so hard. Its easier just to curl up in a ball and be miserable. I don't feel I can be fixed. I'm too broke. I just want to take whats left of my heart and destroy it. I don't want it to beat ever again for me, or for anyone. I wish i could say something that would never be forgotten. But i can't. I can't think of anything. I'm too tired. I want to cut myself. I want to shove that razor into my veins. Its such a good feeling. But all my razors are gone. I can't make it without them. They are my only friend. I want someone to stay with me at night, or to call me at 3am. Not to ask how I am doing, just to start a conversation. I want someone to laugh with me, and to cry with me. I hate being alone. I want someone to be here. I want to lay in bed with a girl and tell her I love her. I want to make love with her and tell her that she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I want the truth to be told. All these things i want, I can never have. I think its sad that the only 'friends' i have are the ones I don't even know. The ones I play online with on my PS3. They don't give a shit about me but they talk to me. And without even knowing it, they have saved me from a night of hell. I want someone to do that. Someone i know. I long for that. If someone reads this. I want to be loved. I want someone to sleep tonight knowing I'm breathing because of them.