This Is Your Way Out

I know it has been awhile since i last wrote something. But to be honest, I didn't have the words to say anything anymore. I had some really, really, bad nights since my last blog. I got depressed a lot today. A girl i used to like but i kind of gave up on told me she was dating a 19 year old(she's 17). It isn't just that though. She told me to change her score on her homework, since i am the student aid who grades classwork. Why the fuck would i help her, much less risk my grade in that class? What a fucking bitch to think that she can just deny me then ask me to cheat. I don't know why i care anymore if girls like me or not. Or even why i still try to get a girlfriend. There is still that girl in California, and i want to be faithful to her, but i don't know. Like i find myself confused on what to do. I want to stop trying to get a girl. I want to wait till i go to California. But i just need something more than airwaves. I feel this pain growing more and more each day. I look at the scars on my arms and they all remind me of a meaningless life. I just can't do this anymore; i can't. So i go to my psychologist tomorrow. Basically i have to tell her whats happening. I don't want too. The stuff i say will put me back in the hospital and away for good. There's only one thing i wont tell her for sure. And ill say it on here because nobody who reads this lives remotely close to me. Saturday, the 31st, may be the last time i see the light of day. I have two ways of doing it and I'm pretty sure one of them will work. Its gotten down to the point where i know this is it. I know what must be done. Nobody has offered to save me, or help me save myself.  I know you guys and girls don't care about what happens. But i just want to express whats happening. I'm sorry for the inconvenience i caused in your lives. Hopefully, you wont have to read my writings much longer. So if i decide to write another blog it will probably be tomorrow(the 29th). Most likely that will be my last one. Maybe ill leave a suicide note on here. I don't know. Goodnight.