Thoughtless Encounters

I don't know why I'm writing but I am, So here goes nothing. Today at work i saw a girl, well a couple girls throughout the day, who were cute. I wanted them to look at me and smile, not to like me, just smile. To show me that I'm alive. But no one today did. No one really ever does. I thought to myself and here's what i thought of. I want a girl to come up to me, and look into my eyes. I want her to see the hundreds of lifetimes of pain i have felt. I want her to realize how much i need her. I want her to see that, and take my hand. I want her to tell me she loves me, and that she will never leave. I want her to stay up with me though the dark nights and feel my heartbeat. I want her to whisper in my ear. I want her to whisper that we are meant to be. You can say this is all just wishful thinking but i don't know. My chest hurts when i breathe and i sometimes can't stop crying at odd moments. I want the feeling of being needed. I want what they have. I wish i could. I wish i could get the girls they have and have the lives they have. But it wont happen. I'm still miserable and i can't stand it. I want to go back to the hospital. I really do. I can't stand it here. I don't feel safe. There is this girl.She makes me laugh, She is truly unlike any other girl. I know i say that a lot but she is so beautiful. I want to be with her. I want to love her. She has experienced pain like i have and i want to help her through everything. She is a great person and i want her to know that. She will never be with me though. Just like every other girl, she knows my past and how much i need someone. But there is nothing. I can't blame her though. I'm worthless. She knows it too. I have too much baggage. I don't think any girl will ever want to be with me. It's really depressing. I want to feel alive. Please, I'll do anything. But if i cant. Then i guess i can only die. I think right now I'm in the middle. I think I'm drowning in the lake with solid ground 100 feet in front of me. However I'm not strong enough to swim myself. I need someone to help me. I need someone to help me make the last strokes to safety. I need help. But i don't think anyone will, to be honest. I'm long overdue for death. I wont live much longer. I want to die, every day, i say to myself. I know its true. I think I'm just waiting for the right time. I want to get a gun at the end of the year. Celebrate the new year with a "bang". I want no body to see me. No body to hear me. No body to save me(its not like anyone will try anyways). I cant stand staying up until 1 or 2am in the morning anymore. I'm just so tired. I sometimes don't even feel like getting up. I just want to go to sleep forever. I use to think how could a girl, much less anyone, who knows my suffering, or for that matter any ones suffering, continue to live life without at least attempting to help.I've been through that a lot. I hate it. I hate being tossed aside like an out dated newspaper. Sometimes i cry so much that later that night/day i cant even cry anymore. I have cried so much over these past 3 years. I'm surprised that i can still cry. I use to think there was a purpose for my pain. I even said so in my story i wrote about myself. But that's propaganda trying to deceive my mind. I know the truth. I am hopeless and lost. I need light but I'm in a one way tunnel going down and down. I just sometimes wish i could be saved. I wish that someone tried. Ive begged people to help me, but it never happens. They have more important things to worry about than saving a human life. Maybe i deserve that though. I deserve to be treated like shit and throw away. I hate my life. I hate it. I want to sleep. I want to wake up feeling alive. I want to breathe and not worry about my lungs exploding. I think one day, when I'm gone, someone will think of me. At least i would like to think so. I wonder what they will think. I hope its good. I hope they think about how hard i tried to better this world. Or how hard i tried to help people. I did things not for myself. But to make others happy. I was willing to please others while i was breaking inside. I just hoped that maybe karma existed, but i guess not. I haven't gotten one good thing happen to me. So i don't know. I wish i had a girl, who cared. Actually i just really want a friend. Someone who will stay up with me and even pretend to care. I want someone to ask me if I'm doing alright on their own volition. No body really has ever done that for me. They all just go to sleep. I wonder how it feels to sleep good and not have your heart hurting every night. I long for that feeling, a feeling of awareness.I'm getting tired now. I don't want to write anymore. Goodnight.