The End

I have all the pills right in front of me.

Miserable At Best is blasting through my room.

This is the end.


I can't feel my legs.
I can't even cry.
How can someone die like this?

Thoughts Before Me

Staring at your reflection every day 
Can make or break my heart away 
When you won't listen to what's hard for me to say 
Those tear stained eyes 
Can make me feel so sad and once again 
We're further away from what we never had 

So why should I take your hand when you can't promise happy endings? 
Just run away with so much left to share 
It's just not enough 
When we're so much more than friends 
We're much too young to throw away our cares

Where'd You Go?

Where'd you go?
I miss you so much
It seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Shit, I find myself just filling my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
But I'm doing fine, and I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say.
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waiting for your decision.


And I'm tired of sitting and hating and making these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got until it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your games,
So when you decide I won't be here but you can still say it..




So like i said, I found my stash of pills.
Also over the past couple weeks ive been saving my Zanex(?)
Tomorrow after work will probably be the scariest time of my life.
And the fact that no one is going to be there to stop me is even more frightening.
Pills...Are my way out.

Change Of Plans

I found my medication hidden by my mom.
Hmm.
Now what?

Hope For Every Fallen Man

Every now and again life fills these lungs.

I feel alive.
I don't know know why.
Ive had heartbreaks recently  yet i remain solid and pure.
Could it be my meds finally working?
Or have i come to accept what life is?
I don't know but i believe that there's hope.

Should i take your hand, Even though you can't promise me happy endings?
We will have to see.


Sorry it's taken so long.
I just signed on and read a comment from my last blog.

To that person:
Thank you.

Fake It Till You Make It

Overall, I haven't been that active anymore on my blog. I don't know why and i don't think anybody reads this anyways. I just felt like writing tonight i guess. I was overcome with anxiety and sadness. Today, obviously, was thanksgiving. And guess what my day was. Work, nap, sleep. My mom and uncle left to go to my sister's house for thanksgiving. To be honest i had something to eat at work and i can't do big outings. Its just an anxiety sort of thing. So anyways, i didn't really want to go.So i just sat in my room, and took a nap, like i said. Then got up and sat some more. It's really depressing when i think about it. I didn't even get a call or text from anyone other than those stupid chain messages everyone gets. Sometimes i just think of something and i just start crying. I don't know why. It's whats happening now. The real reason i haven't been writing is that i would like to think im getting better so i don't need to write. But i always have a night like tonight and i have to start over again the next day. It's just so hard to breathe sometimes. I hate waking up everyday knowing that seeing her, or talking to her, is going to make me or break me. I saw a video where this guy knew around 10 friends i think that have killed themselves. He felt hopeless, like he couldn't of done anything. I felt sorry for him, I knew he cared about people like them. I think i have that someone to care about me, but i don't think that now. Everything is starting to circle in my head. The battle is still going on. I can't escape. I am caught in the middle. I had a counselor, if you will, in the hospital when i was there that told me something. He said fake it until you make it. Its a common cliche but for some reason it seemed like i was hearing it for the first time. I knew what he meant. To continue to give fake smiles, fake emotions, and hope. It seems weird hearing that from someone who is trying to keep you alive. I think he meant it in a good way. Like just suffer through it until you reach what you want. But right now i am done faking. I think ill just be the way i am at home, and apply it to school and work. Ill probably fail school and get fired from work but that's what i have to do. I don't think she cares, or even knows the full extent of my suicidal mind. I find myself still wanting her. I sometimes look at her in class and think, wow she's really something. But it can never be. Like so long ago. That girl in California doesn't seem to want me anymore. It seems like her feelings of me are through. So what do i do now? I don't know. I think I'll stop writing. Its not like anyone reads this shit anyways. Much less even cares about me. Its selfish to think of it like that, i know. But i would like to think if i read this about someone else i would try to help. I have tried many times before to others but they seem to reject help. So I'll stop writing. Maybe get my belts and razors back. I'm tired. Goodnight Huesca. I love you.

Miserable At Best

Katie, don't cry, I know
You're trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights we shared
Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but i want it so

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it

Ladada ladada ladadaoh ohhh

And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you
And I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
Because I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you
But without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you
Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best

For What It's Worth

Well hello there. It has been awhile. I don't know why i haven't wrote recently. I guess that's good? But i guess its because nothing too bad is happening. I got Miserable At Best by Mayday Parade stuck in my head. And Hello Fascination by Breathe Carolina. They are very true to what i see. But aside from that, I have talked to my dad again and things went well. I haven't consumed myself with needing a girl. At least not for the past week or so. I still think I'm missing that puzzle peice in my life. Whether its a girl or just an opportunity that can change my life. I've been trying to forget the things that have happened. I realized the stupidity of my actions towards others. I wish i never did a lot of things. But the people still dislike me and my scars remain. I think the only way to better yourself in life, is to not make the same mistake twice. I have failed on that a lot in my life. And this time i want to pass the test. I think another reason i have not written in awhile is because I've been working nearly every day for the past month or so. Add on school and i get really tired. I usually play some video games then fall asleep at 2am. I need to work on my bedtime. My body is just so used to staying up. I am just so sick and tired, of being sick and tired. For what it's worth, I'll try to update every once in a while. Sorry this was nothing profound or special. Just wanted to write. Goodnight.

Fatal Attraction

Oh sweet razor,
Have you ever done me wrong?
Why do you tempt me,
With that lovely song?

Is there a better choice,
Then to open my veins?
Or does this torture,
Have a purpose for the pain?

I see the blood all around me,
Except for in my heart.
For so fearful,
That it all might fall apart.

The night is young,
And so are we.
The day will come,
Oh so eventually.

As morning breaks,
I am awaken by the sun.
I look at my wrists,
And know what I've done.

Purpose For The Pain

My days are scattered, my nights troubled. I don't know how each day is going to be. I want to be able to know what each day will bring me. I guess that is the beauty of life.  Mia is my best friend. And even though every day is a struggle she is always there. I feel now that there actually might be a purpose for the pain. I cannot thank her enough. I sometimes feel bad that she has to listen to me. I think eventually she will get tired of it. I hope not. But regardless she is amazing. I have never had that good of a friend before. I don't know where i will be in the next week or even day but i hope she is here with me. I have writers block right now so ill talk more later. I love you Mia. I hope that whatever you do with your life, i am there to experience it with you. You are a great friend.....Actually i am going to continue writing. Its about five minutes after i last wrote. I have been overcome with sadness in a matter of seconds. I hate depression. I wish i didn't have it. But who would want it? I guess i am not alone. I find myself hurt every time i think of this situation. I can't keep pretending that i don't care. I can't do it! I am so tired. Why can't i be happy. Why can't someone love me? I hate myself. I don't care about myself anymore. I am going to drink and smoke myself to death. Maybe a sad song will make you remember me someday. I have always just wanted one thing. And yet you never let that happen. Please, I just want to be like him.

Scream

I am back to where i was a week ago. But now I'm even worse. I don't know whats happening. I can't catch a break. Everything is turning worse and worse. I can't believe that you can't give me what will save this life. I want to be just like him. I want to feel your love to him that should go to me. I want to love you, just like he did. I am sitting here crying while you are sleeping so soundly. I am trying to take my life while you are kissing him. I can't take this anymore. Why do i still insist on believing my life has a meaningful existence? "Ethan, just give up, it's okay. You were never meant to have a good life, it will be alright soon." And you say "Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you. I hate God. I hate even thinking about him making things new. I am a broken man, born in a broken place. This love, has taken everything from me. Why can't you understand. Why can't you realize my problem, and solve it. You told me sweet everything's today. Everything's that turned to nothings. I dropped everything. I couldn't bare the weight that you had just dropped on me. I cant stop crying. "Why is blood coming out of my eyes?" There is no sense in staying in this place i once felt safe in. I realized when you are all alone, faced with death, you tend to grab the devils arm, and follow him. I am nothing without you, yet you fail to be what i need most. You say i hurt you when i say these things; you say you care about me. Yet, you are the one that is happy, and he is the one that gets to call you his love. This world is so unperfect, and this love, it is so unworth it. I can't believe i let myself believe that i was worth anything to you. I don't deserve a chance. I am pathetic. I will never be anything. You say you believe in fate. I do now also. And my fate will come down to its last days soon. And finally, i can do it. No one can save me anymore. You were my last hope. My fate has been sealed. This will be the death of me. The scars that people will see will have your name written all over them. I want to sleep, but there are nightmares when i try. I want to scream. I want this to be just a dream. I want to wake up and be just out of my mother's womb. I want to start over. But that won't happen. I wish this could have a fairytale ending. But the wind is blowing; the sun is rising. There are birds circling above me; i know the reason why. I get grabbed by someone. They hang me up on a gallery wall. I am hanging by my last thread of my heart. I cannot get down. And a second before i drop. I think of you; and i scream my loudest.

Oh Gravity

Hello fascination,
You're building me up.
Just to break me down.
You're being loud
Without making a sound.
You're pasting me in.
Just to cut me out.
Oh gravity, why can't we, seem to keep this together?
Oh this tragedy, why can't we, seem to hold this together?

The Sun And The Moon

Last night was amazing. And i really appreciated Mia coming over. But now i feel like my old self again. I don't know why but it seems like every good thing gets followed by a bad thing. Today at work i had a couple anxiety attacks that hurt my chest a lot. I started walking around with my head down feeling like shit. I didn't have the energy to live like i did last night. I don't know what had happened to me since then. This sucks. I feel so lost again.

You Found Me

I am alive. And even though i may be dead tomorrow. Tonight, i am alive. I once said that i would kill myself if someone didn't come along. Ladies and gentlemen, she has come. Oh but not a girlfriend, but something more. Mia came over today after work. She talked to me, about everything. She talked about things that didn't even make sense, and yet somehow, she made them make sense. It was a good two hours that we talked. I couldn't find one flaw in her words. She told me she read in my blog about my fake smiles. She asked if i gave fake smiles to her. And for the first time in my life, i knew, that my smile was real. We talked about things that we never knew we had in common. I don't want to get too into this, cause then it will sound like we are dating. That's the last thing i want you to interpret from this. She made me smile. She made me happy. She made me believe. Believe that God makes things new. That forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness. She has found me, lying on the floor. And with her grace, she has lifted me up. I never thought someone would dedicate even a second of their time to me. But she has dedicated her life. She has told me truths, when all i have ever known is lies. I don't know what this world has in store for me but i know i want to spend the rest of it with her, friendship or more. Now comes the difficult part. I have to convince myself not to like her, in the way that pushes the limits. I will try my hardest. For now i am okay, in the safety of her conscience. So this marks goodnight to me. Mia, sleep tonight, knowing someone is breathing because of you.

24 Hours

So i went to my therapist yesterday and she said to my mom and me that i should go back to the hospital. I wanted to go back but my mom said no. My therapist thinks I'm going to kill myself, and quite frankly, i agree. My goal still is tomorrow. Mia thinks i shouldn't, but she doesn't know what I'm feeling. I can't blame her. Nothing of this is her fault. I told her i liked her but she has a boyfriend. I am really glad she is happy. She deserves it. I think i deserve this death. She says that i have a lot to live for, but i don't agree. As hard as she tries too say i have something to live for, in the end, i don't have anything. She can say all she wants that shes there for me and such but it will never make me happy. However, I would like to state that she does seem to truly care about my life, but that's not enough for me. I need that physical bond with a girl. I need the emotions that can bring a man back to life. Without that i am nothing. My plan is still intact and at this time its not changing. In a little more than 24 hours i wont have to write anymore blogs about my pain. That is because it will all be gone. And that, my readers, is the best feeling in the world i can hope for. I say that if someone comes along within 24 hours I'll change my mind. But seeing as how that's not going to happen, I'm left here alone. So this ends my blog session for the day. Like i said though, i might write another before I'm gone. Maybe not. So consider this my last one i guess. Thank you, and i hope your life gets better as mine dies away. Goodnight.

This Is Your Way Out

I know it has been awhile since i last wrote something. But to be honest, I didn't have the words to say anything anymore. I had some really, really, bad nights since my last blog. I got depressed a lot today. A girl i used to like but i kind of gave up on told me she was dating a 19 year old(she's 17). It isn't just that though. She told me to change her score on her homework, since i am the student aid who grades classwork. Why the fuck would i help her, much less risk my grade in that class? What a fucking bitch to think that she can just deny me then ask me to cheat. I don't know why i care anymore if girls like me or not. Or even why i still try to get a girlfriend. There is still that girl in California, and i want to be faithful to her, but i don't know. Like i find myself confused on what to do. I want to stop trying to get a girl. I want to wait till i go to California. But i just need something more than airwaves. I feel this pain growing more and more each day. I look at the scars on my arms and they all remind me of a meaningless life. I just can't do this anymore; i can't. So i go to my psychologist tomorrow. Basically i have to tell her whats happening. I don't want too. The stuff i say will put me back in the hospital and away for good. There's only one thing i wont tell her for sure. And ill say it on here because nobody who reads this lives remotely close to me. Saturday, the 31st, may be the last time i see the light of day. I have two ways of doing it and I'm pretty sure one of them will work. Its gotten down to the point where i know this is it. I know what must be done. Nobody has offered to save me, or help me save myself.  I know you guys and girls don't care about what happens. But i just want to express whats happening. I'm sorry for the inconvenience i caused in your lives. Hopefully, you wont have to read my writings much longer. So if i decide to write another blog it will probably be tomorrow(the 29th). Most likely that will be my last one. Maybe ill leave a suicide note on here. I don't know. Goodnight.

Put Some Clothes On

Just wait, Hold on, One more, Lets go.
We're on the spot, And now we're gonna give it up.

I like the way you honestly know that this is the only real love scene.

Away From The Sun

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone do what I've done
I missed life
I missed the colours of the world
Can anyone go where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I've known

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines the life away from me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't do what I've done

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines the life away from me

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines the life away from me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

-3 Doors Down, song of my lfie right here

An Unlikely Ally

I just watched 500 Days of Summer again. I needed it. Tonight was bad. Really bad. But chase helped me a lot. I never thought a guy would be the one to help me. But he talked me through my pain a little bit. It was enough to keep me sane for the time being. I still cut really bad though. I can't believe that 4 months of sobriety is all gone now. But regardless, i think he's a honest person who won't let me down. It's weird how some things turn out. I don't think I'll sleep tonight. I don't think i can. So yeah, just had to write something down. Sorry for the inconvenience.

The Day I Left The Womb

So i talked to my dad today for the first time in a year. I didn't know what to say at first. He asked me how i was. I told him about this past year and how hard it was. I told him that it was frustrating that he never called me once. He knew about the shit i went through and he never did anything. I told him that i needed to get away from here; from Arizona. I want to move far away. He told me i could come live with him but i said no. I hate my step-mom. She is evil, i mean it. I told him that too. I told him that its fucked up that my step-mom single handedly destroyed my sisters and mine relationship with him. I told him everything that i had kept in for the past 10 years. I don't know how he felt after that. He seemed okay with it. He told me he was sorry for not calling and that he wanted to stay in contact with me. He realized my hurt and wanted me to call him whenever i needed too. I feel better now, having released all the hate. He asked me about the army again. He has always wanted me to join. I still don't know yet. I have some other problems i have to deal with first, obviously. The last thing he told me was that he wanted me to come down to his dad's house on spring break next year. Apparently it would be him and me fixing up his dad's house. I said okay. I guess i want to rebuild my relationship with him. All in all i had a relatively good conversation with him. He seemed to understand what i was saying. Only time will see if he can earn my trust again.

I Am Ready

I know, i know. I'm writing again. But this time i have to write to stop me from doing something stupid. Chelsea, my last friend, has walked away from my life. She said it was for the best, and maybe it is, but it hurts so much. I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. I cant stop crying. I think this is the time where i say this might be one of my last blogs. I cant go through my life alone, therefore i have to die. I don't write this for self pity, no not even a little bit. I write this because i want people to know that i never stood a chance in this world. I want people to know that this was meant for me. This suffering was meant for me. I wish you stayed. I wish you cared about me. You know how i am and yet you still walked away. You knew that i cant live without your help and you didn't care.Oh well, you are just like all the rest. Every close friend that I've known has known my story and has walked away knowing that ill be breaking once they leave. They don't care, I don't know why i thought Chelsea was different. I had faith in her i think because she was so different than anyone else. But i guess in the end, love means nothing. She has her boyfriend, and i have my death. I used to ask "why me?" but now i know. Because certain people do not deserve life. Certain people cannot live a good story. This is close to the end of me. I don't feel scared or nervous, because i am ready. I am ready to drop to the ground lifeless. I am ready to have all this hurt and suffering drained out of me as i slowly pass away. I am ready to prove to her that she killed me. They all did. I am ready to die.

The Value Of Sex

So i feel distraught right now and so I'm going to write....well type i guess. I hate when people have what i need. My friend, well i don't know what she is anymore to be honest. Shes not a bad person, not at all. She is a great person. I mean she is beautiful and more interesting than anyone i know. But i just don't think i can have friends anymore. Anyways, she was just telling me why she didn't text me the other day at all. Well, she was having sex with her boyfriend. Its not fair. I'm not going to say i need sex. I don't think anyone does. But i am really depressed about the fact that i don't have someone to even think about having sex with. Its been more than a year since i last had sex. I guess you can call it jealously. I have a lot of jealously. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to decrease the value of sex. I really don't. I just need that kind of emotional stuff. I'm tried of waiting for Sam to make up her god damn mind and realize I'm best for her. I'm tired of acting like i have any real friends. I'm done with the lies. I'm done with me being thrown around like a fucking rag-doll. I cant let anyone close to me again. I wont get fucked over, no not again. I cant deal with wanting a girl so much, but who loves another guy. I just want to be happy. Even though i believe happiness is a myth. I believe that even myths can come true. I hope it does. Probably not, seeing as how its been three and a half years since I've even been remotely content with myself. I need someone. Even though that person will never come along and probably wont help me. I wish i died a couple nights ago with that overdose. I wish there were more pills in the box. If only there were more i wouldn't be here. Damn, that would be great. On other news, I'm talking to my dad tomorrow for the first time in about a year. So much has happened and i don't know what I'm going to say. I mean he hasn't even tried to help me through this darkness. I don't want to blame him. I just want to tell him how i feel about everything. Ill let you guys know how it ends up.

Day Late Friend

I just came back from the hospital. Well not just came back, because i took a long nap after. But anyways, I was sent there because i overdosed on my meds; Seroquil and Lamictul. I took a lot more than i usually take. I took it last night(the 19th) for the sole purpose of making me fall asleep fast. I had really bad thoughts and i even started to cut again but then stopped shortly after. Nothing was wrong with me and after five hours i was sent home. But again the psychologist there had to make sure i was safe enough to go. I said i was, even though I'm not, because my mom would have flipped out. I don't know whats happened to me. Everyday i try to be happy but it never happens.Is this meaningless existence of a life meant for me? Probably. But i can't do anything about it anymore. I, again, have no friends anymore. I tried to talk to Carly, who is in my other writings, about it last night but i think she was too stoned. Figures, the one girl that was there for me all that time, has now decided to let me die. So i sit here alone, in my thoughts and fears, wondering what life is going to be like for me. It will probably all end in disaster and hate. My life means nothing. This life, will take my everything. One breath, one touch, will be the end of me. I'm never going to be good enough, so why should I bother trying? I have no friends, my family is mad at me because of today, and school doesn't do shit for me. Its this time in my life when i start planning my eventual death. Its this time that i make a plan that won't fail. Because once i do it, i will not have worry about anything anymore. I will be free, In the safety of my sins. I hope the best for everyone reading this. You cant save me. Nothing can. Everyone from now on will just be my day late friend.

Her Name Was Carly

October 18th. My therapist told me to write down the dates from now on, So i can remember when i wrote them. I wanted to write last night but i was too tired to get out of bed. I don't know what i want to talk about. My ex girlfriend Sara and I just started talking again. I don't know if we are going to go out again or not. She said she will think about it. I still have moments of bad anxiety and depression but i think its getting a little better. Still, every time i see a girl i get all nervous. I say it again that i do want a girlfriend, but i don't think it would be healthy for me right now. I read in a book i got for my birthday Drops Like Stars by Rob Bell that    suffering brings people together. I never quite realized that but it does. While i was going through all my problems my family was brought together. I don't know what i feel right now. I just want to be relaxed. But i cant be. I have too much stuff on my mind. I want her. I need her. She loves him. That sort of thing. I know that there are bigger problems that i should be worried about right now. And i know my problems may seem stupid compared to others. But this is my pain, and no one can feel it but me. That is the truth. I mean I'm 18, i should be moving on, but i cant. I'm down on the ground, away from the sun, and no one can see me. I miss the way my life should have been. I miss the fact that i never had a summer of 69. I'm homesick for a place i will never be. There is nothing left to lift me up, into the world i belong. I miss her. I miss my ex girlfriend, Danielle. I miss my old best-friend, Carly. I had it good. They were everything i needed. Hell Carly was there when I needed it most. It sometime didn't seem like she cared but she saw me in my darkest moments; and stayed with me. I went to the hospital for her. I tried to make her proud. Things happened after that, which i believe i have explained in my past writings. If not then I shall dare to say i fell for her, hard. And too be honest i never got back up since then. Ive been slowly crawling  to the nearest support to help me up. That was back in May. But i know it wasn't her fault. And i tried to make her feel like shit for it. And I'm sorry for that. It wasn't her fault. But since then like i said, its been hard. However i proud to say its been about 4 months since i last cut. The scars are still there, and people tell me to get rid of them. But i want them, they mean a lot to me. It means that i went to war with myself, and for now at least, I'm still alive

Is There A Way Out?

I am alone again, and i cant say it feels good. The hope i had for a better tomorrow faded away almost as soon as i had thought of it. She wasn't for me, i know, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that i was so close to not being alone. I want to be with her, i do, its just me and her are different people. I thought she was the one, for real this time. I had known her for so long and she seemed to be okay about my past. I seemed to be okay with hers too. She had done a lot of things that usually would have made me sick. But she was different. The more and more i think about it i sometimes wonder what my life is going to mean when I'm gone. I don't think it will be a funeral where everybody i know attends and signs how much i affected their lives. I don't think my family will rejoice and say memories of me to each other. I don't think anyone i know will attend. Of course its standard for the family to attend but even then it means nothing.I find it amazing that i can sit at home all week and not have anybody text me, or call me, just to say hello. I don't think anyone wants too. I don't know where i will be in a couple years, or even a month, but i have certainty that my life will be the same. I learned in 500 Days of Summer that the belief of love, destiny, and soul mates are a lie. That love is a coincidence. That it just happens in a way that you didn't want it too happen, yet it is real. However i don't think it will happen to me. All of my relationships have been me starting to like the girl. Even when i like someone and it fails, its always me starting it. I take deep breaths to convince myself that my lungs are still alive. It hurts, and i want them to be fixed. I want my life to mean something. I want to wake up and realize that someone, at the same time as me, woke up and realized that i woke up.I want her to smile at knowing that i am alive. I want her to find me. I want her to grab my hand and tell me that its okay. I want her to tell me that my life means something. I want her to look in my eyes, and see the broken mind that lay behind. I mean when i say that never has a good thing in my life continued without some bad thing happening soon after it. Whether its my birthday plans crushed, having my mom not let me drive, or losing my beautiful girlfriend. I don't want to live anymore. I want to die.

Happiness Is A Myth

It September 26th. I have a girlfriend now. and a car. but I'm still miserable. I don't know whats wrong with me. I think I'm meant to be alone. Every time I'm with someone I'm miserable still. I don't get it. I still wanna die. I hate my life. I have everything i need and want yet i still hate myself. What kind of life is that? I want her to talk to me like i mean something to her. Its only been a short time but i need her. I'm dependent on her already. I don't want to be but i find myself begging for her attention. I want her to be something that i once dream of my girlfriend being. I want her too need me as much as i need her. I don't want to breathe. I don't want to experience another lie. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Death is my only escape. I have been wrong all along. My.Live.Means.Nothing. No one can save me. I know it has truth now. I will forever be alone. I prefer it that way. I want to feel the life drain out of my body. I want to feel the pain and suffering from 3 years hit me all at once. I want my scars to re open. I want the blood to spill out of my mouth. I want to die.

Anxiety Can Kill A Good Man

I remember the look in your eyes, when you told me this was goodbye. Oh please, not here, not now. This past weekend i was at work. And i had several anxiety attacks. I don't know why. But i felt like my heart was gonna burst. It was random. As of right now, I'm not suicidal. But for the past 5 days or so, i have been. I cried two nights in a row and even in front of my mom. I don't know whats happening to me. Also, i don't really have any girls on my mind. Of course i want one still. But it doesn't get a hold of me. That may change tomorrow. I would desperately seek the truth of my life. I'll take that truth at any cost. Because I am broken.I live in a broken place. Its as if the world was broken and we had to hold our hands against the wound to stop the bleeding. I feel like that. I want a girl to hold my heart. I want her to blow air into it and blow it up again. I want it to be the heart i once had. I want it too beat for her. Because without her i am nothing. She will save me. I think she will. I am told that if you have patience good things will come in time. But where was i when i missed my time? I feel as though i lost my way. That time wont let me go. If i could go back all those years, i would do it all better, i swear. I can remember those dark nights. I remember no one coming and pulling me off the ground. I was away from the sun. And the moon. Yet, there was a song, that saved my life. It was afterglow by INXS. The song speaks volumes in my head.

Thoughtless Encounters

I don't know why I'm writing but I am, So here goes nothing. Today at work i saw a girl, well a couple girls throughout the day, who were cute. I wanted them to look at me and smile, not to like me, just smile. To show me that I'm alive. But no one today did. No one really ever does. I thought to myself and here's what i thought of. I want a girl to come up to me, and look into my eyes. I want her to see the hundreds of lifetimes of pain i have felt. I want her to realize how much i need her. I want her to see that, and take my hand. I want her to tell me she loves me, and that she will never leave. I want her to stay up with me though the dark nights and feel my heartbeat. I want her to whisper in my ear. I want her to whisper that we are meant to be. You can say this is all just wishful thinking but i don't know. My chest hurts when i breathe and i sometimes can't stop crying at odd moments. I want the feeling of being needed. I want what they have. I wish i could. I wish i could get the girls they have and have the lives they have. But it wont happen. I'm still miserable and i can't stand it. I want to go back to the hospital. I really do. I can't stand it here. I don't feel safe. There is this girl.She makes me laugh, She is truly unlike any other girl. I know i say that a lot but she is so beautiful. I want to be with her. I want to love her. She has experienced pain like i have and i want to help her through everything. She is a great person and i want her to know that. She will never be with me though. Just like every other girl, she knows my past and how much i need someone. But there is nothing. I can't blame her though. I'm worthless. She knows it too. I have too much baggage. I don't think any girl will ever want to be with me. It's really depressing. I want to feel alive. Please, I'll do anything. But if i cant. Then i guess i can only die. I think right now I'm in the middle. I think I'm drowning in the lake with solid ground 100 feet in front of me. However I'm not strong enough to swim myself. I need someone to help me. I need someone to help me make the last strokes to safety. I need help. But i don't think anyone will, to be honest. I'm long overdue for death. I wont live much longer. I want to die, every day, i say to myself. I know its true. I think I'm just waiting for the right time. I want to get a gun at the end of the year. Celebrate the new year with a "bang". I want no body to see me. No body to hear me. No body to save me(its not like anyone will try anyways). I cant stand staying up until 1 or 2am in the morning anymore. I'm just so tired. I sometimes don't even feel like getting up. I just want to go to sleep forever. I use to think how could a girl, much less anyone, who knows my suffering, or for that matter any ones suffering, continue to live life without at least attempting to help.I've been through that a lot. I hate it. I hate being tossed aside like an out dated newspaper. Sometimes i cry so much that later that night/day i cant even cry anymore. I have cried so much over these past 3 years. I'm surprised that i can still cry. I use to think there was a purpose for my pain. I even said so in my story i wrote about myself. But that's propaganda trying to deceive my mind. I know the truth. I am hopeless and lost. I need light but I'm in a one way tunnel going down and down. I just sometimes wish i could be saved. I wish that someone tried. Ive begged people to help me, but it never happens. They have more important things to worry about than saving a human life. Maybe i deserve that though. I deserve to be treated like shit and throw away. I hate my life. I hate it. I want to sleep. I want to wake up feeling alive. I want to breathe and not worry about my lungs exploding. I think one day, when I'm gone, someone will think of me. At least i would like to think so. I wonder what they will think. I hope its good. I hope they think about how hard i tried to better this world. Or how hard i tried to help people. I did things not for myself. But to make others happy. I was willing to please others while i was breaking inside. I just hoped that maybe karma existed, but i guess not. I haven't gotten one good thing happen to me. So i don't know. I wish i had a girl, who cared. Actually i just really want a friend. Someone who will stay up with me and even pretend to care. I want someone to ask me if I'm doing alright on their own volition. No body really has ever done that for me. They all just go to sleep. I wonder how it feels to sleep good and not have your heart hurting every night. I long for that feeling, a feeling of awareness.I'm getting tired now. I don't want to write anymore. Goodnight.

Sleep Tonight Darling

I just got back from work. I'm tired. I haven't gotten much sleep lately. I should be used to it by now though. I was just searching MySpace and i realized something. I am alone. Like I've realized it before but now its true. I look around and I see nothing, and no one. I know that a girl won't come around, at least anytime soon. Perhaps she will never come. I feel miserable. I hate faking it at work and school. All those fake smiles i have to put on. I smile to people but inside I'm slowing tearing apart and falling down a million stairs to my eventual death. It feels like some Rob Thomas lyric. His song How Far We've Come speaks to me, like a mom whispering to her new born child. That song is so true to my heart. It has stuck itself in my head.To be honest these last couple days haven't been too bad, in terms of the night. I don't know why but i have these moments of sanity. It is only expected, however, that the nightmares and demons will come back soon. I don't think I'm prepared. I can't stand disappointment. I've had it all throughout my life, yet it still gets to me. I don't know why.I say all the time that i need a girl. And that she will save me from my downfall. But, again, to be honest I don't know what I would do if I had a girlfriend. It would be something I would have to learn all over again. I've put myself through so much loneliness that i wouldn't know what to do. I'm scared. Really scared. My therapist told me to call Empact if i had any tough moments at night. It still has to be seen if I really will call them. And if they do come, then what if i have to go back to the hospital again? I want too, but at the same time I don't. I'm almost 18 and that means I get put in with the rest of the adults. And that's where the really crazy people are. I want to get better, I do. But its just so hard. Its easier just to curl up in a ball and be miserable. I don't feel I can be fixed. I'm too broke. I just want to take whats left of my heart and destroy it. I don't want it to beat ever again for me, or for anyone. I wish i could say something that would never be forgotten. But i can't. I can't think of anything. I'm too tired. I want to cut myself. I want to shove that razor into my veins. Its such a good feeling. But all my razors are gone. I can't make it without them. They are my only friend. I want someone to stay with me at night, or to call me at 3am. Not to ask how I am doing, just to start a conversation. I want someone to laugh with me, and to cry with me. I hate being alone. I want someone to be here. I want to lay in bed with a girl and tell her I love her. I want to make love with her and tell her that she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I want the truth to be told. All these things i want, I can never have. I think its sad that the only 'friends' i have are the ones I don't even know. The ones I play online with on my PS3. They don't give a shit about me but they talk to me. And without even knowing it, they have saved me from a night of hell. I want someone to do that. Someone i know. I long for that. If someone reads this. I want to be loved. I want someone to sleep tonight knowing I'm breathing because of them.

Suicidal Tendencies

I hate my life. I am going to kill myself. I don't know when but i am going too. I m tired of being used and abused. My heart cannot take this shit anymore. I want to die. I want her to feel my suffering. I want her to feel my death. I don't believe in God. I never will. I don't believe in Him making things new. I believe that it depends on the persons motivation to get better. I know now that i will never be happy. So i must not try to be happy. There is no point. I think my chest will explode one day. It is slowly wasting away. Everything is wasting me away. Please take these feelings away. I don't wanna have to think about her one more day. I don't wanna cry at night anymore. I feel trapped and hopeless. There is nothing i can do anymore. I loved her. And now that she is gone i have no hope. I will be dead soon. I will never feel alive again. I am going to die. Silently with no one around. I will die in a room filled by water. Oh but not the water you drink. The water from which heartbreak and sadness come from. I just want to feel alive. My clock is ticking. And when my time is up. I will no longer be alive. I use to think that someone would save me. But i know no one will. My story does not have a happy ending. It will not end like some spiderman movie, or a batman adventure. It ends like a broken record, who got put away, and will never see the light again. I feel like shit. The hospital did nothing for me. I cant remember anything i learned in there and to be honest, it wouldn't have helped me anyways. My life is worthless. Shes in my head. And Ill die with her in my head. It seems like so long ago. Yet so close. But in the darkest of nights, if my memory serves me right. Ill never turn back time. I have to forget you, oh but never the time. I want the people who have betrayed my soul to be happy after i die. I want them to realize that they will never have to see me again. I hope that makes them happy. I hope the lost and depressed find themselves back home. In the safety of their beds. They deserve that. Everyone does. I don't know why i write. Its not like anyone will give a shit about it. It will just go lost in time. I want their to be no one at my funeral. I want the ghost of me to plant me into the ground. I want to feel alone in the solitary ground. I want to feel the worms eating my body alive. I don't want to scream. I want it to be silent. I want my pain and suffering to go unnoticed. It will be like the song I'm listening. It has such meaning. And such heartbreak. Songs are the only things that tell truth. When everything tells you whispers of deception, songs seem to make you believe that someone is just like you. I sit here, talking to the girl that once made me wanna cry myself to death. I don't know what i should do. I wanna walk away. I do. But i just wanna be in love with her. She is so amazing and beautiful. I want to be with her and make her feel like the amazing girl that she is. I will never forget you Danielle, you were my love. You are so perfect and i wanted to experience everything with you. I hope your life gets better without me in it. I'm falling slowly and i can see the ground. I can see my body hitting the ground and exploding everywhere. I can see my death. I can see I'm not good enough for her. I can see it.

The Downfall Of Me

It is 9pm at night and I've realized leading up to this point in time, I'm miserable. For the past three years I've experienced true rejection and disappointment. Her name was Ronni and she was all i ever needed. She broke my fucking heart. But then again, i don't think she meant too. But that night when she rejected me was my first suicide attempt. The one that almost killed me. I still don't like who i am right now. Everyday i am constantly reminded on how much of a fuck up i am. I don't have any friends and no one gives a shit about me. Even going to a hospital didn't help. Its like i was meant to be unhappy. I have accept it. Of course i wish i could be happy. But i never am. I am on pills that don't even work half the time. I just want to feel loved. I want to know that the next day will be special. I want someone to say that they care about me. I want someone sometime to ask if I'm okay or not. I want someone to listen. I've tried for so long to be happy but i guess God doesn't want it that way. Every girl rejects me after they lead me on. I've been so close but i always fail. Hell, even when i do have a girlfriend i find some way to fuck it up. I'm not meant to live. I don't feel comfortable here. I want to die. I don't want sympathy. I just want to be left alone. I want to die curled up in a ball under my sheets. I want them to find me dead with tears frozen on my face. I want them to see a hundred years of heart break on my arms. I want them to understand what it's like to hate every second of your life. I am envious of them. Them who can live life and not have to worry. They who are happy, with or without a partner. I see so many people who are happy with a girlfriend/boyfriend. It irritates me. I want to be like them. I want to be....well wanted. I can't do this alone but i guess i have too. And doing this alone will kill me. People try to understand me, but they don't. Do you know how it feels to cry yourself to sleep while choking yourself around your neck with a belt? Do you know what it's like to wake up every day knowing you are going to fuck up somehow? How about knowing that every girl you meet will end up in disaster? No? I thought so. No one can understand because my pain is the worst pain. No one can feel it but me. I don't think I'll kill myself now though. It's too hard. Ive tried too much. But maybe in a couple years, or perhaps, less than that. I want to be alone when i do it. Like i have been for the past 3 years. I want to hear myself cry as i die. I want every girl who has rejected me and left me to die to hear it too. I hate them. I hate everything that they have done to me. They can sleep so soundly, but me, oh I'm not that lucky. I wonder what 9 hours...8 hours...or even 7 hours of good sleep feels like. I'm so tired. Everyday is like a week in my mind. I've worn myself out. I'm too weak to pick myself up. With no one to help me, I'll be down here forever; away from the sun. Or perhaps I'll stand there, like a scarecrow filled with nothing but dust and weeds. Maybe I'll be hung in a gallery with a thread of my heart holding me up. Either way, I'm alone, while everyone else is enjoying the view around me. I don't think about having a family anymore. Not about sweet children I'll have, or a beautiful, loving wife. No, not anymore. Because that is not my life. I am meant to be alone. Now i know for sure. So maybe that is my purpose here. To suffer in life and save others from my fate. Then, to die all alone while the world passes me by. I can't say I'm scared however. I have learned to accept my destiny. Some people die, some people live. I just picked the short straw. So here i am, at 9:23pm, still writing. I don't really know what else to say. If this gets read, by some odd chance, before i die, then don't try to save me. It is too late for any heroics. Maybe if you go to the ones i had put so much faith into, to only be torn apart. Go back to them and ask them questions. About why they chose to kill me. Why they chose to just walk away when i needed them most. Ask them. Please. Because i still don't know why. I hope that my suffering will be worth it. I think other peoples lives will be better without me. It will certainly save them the trouble on having to deal with my mistakes and worthlessness. I can only hope that my death will be the best for this world. Like a martyr, or some comic book hero. I used to think the hero always got the girl in the end. Now i think the villain does. So at 9:30pm i say farewell. Farewell to a life of pain and suffering. Farewell to those who have truly, truly, killed me. I bid you farewell and hope that someday a song on the radio will play and that it will remind you of me. So that you will separate from my afterglow and live your life the way i never got too. This is where we end. A minute later. Just one minute. Goodnight and good luck young travelers.